This is a follow-up to my previous post on relocation depression.  I see a lot of questions and forums where people relocate and get stuck in anger and resentment and then feel lost and depressed.  So, I wanted to give this issue some further attention in the hopes that it will be of help to get you unstuck.

To do so, I thought I’d share some of my own strategies that I’ve used to help me navigate transitions which left me without structure. Frankly, even as an expat, having that job to go to every day, I still felt periods of depression as I adjusted.

So, let me give you some further insights into what worked for me, in the hopes that it may inspire you. I am someone who has always had structure, and tons of activities in my life.  Any time I’ve found myself without, I am quite startled by those moments of demotivation, and the frustration of making lots of effort to create structure that go unanswered, so here’s what I do:

• Go to the gym. Exercise somehow puts me in a very different frame of mind. I find it most helpful to join a class with a teacher telling me what to do – there’s something very helpful and motivating about following instructions from someone – it feels like less pressure on myself, and, I am guaranteed a great workout because someone is coaching me to push myself harder than I would on my own.
• Seek out something new. If I find a cafe, restaurant, or place I’ve never been before, it pulls me out of a rut, and gets my creative juices flowing, and, again, helps me stay in a positive state of mind.
• Help others. I like to volunteer some of my time to help others. Being of service I get to make someone else’s life better, and that, in turn, helps me improve my own life.
• Track my actions. When I make goals and take actions, I like to write them down someplace and take a look at them each day, and update my progress.  This allows me, when stuck in despair, to see that I have been making efforts, and to see where it’s paying off.
• Take it easy. Sometimes, the best way to handle frustration and despair is to simply focus on something else – meditation, yoga, a walk in nature, etc. Shifting your energy can have profound impacts on your life.
• Get a coach! I can’t tell you enough the value of working with a trained coach who listens to me, helps me understand which viewpoints are keeping me success, and keeps me on track, and energized and inspired to continue. That’s why I love to coach others – seeing someone else succeed equally inspires me!

** For more techniques on avoiding and overcoming relocation depression, check out The Relocation Success System! **

If you move to a new place as the trailing spouse, your transition could feel like a rollercoaster ride. This is especially important to realize if you gave up a job or a career where you’ve spent years building up your reputation, only to move someplace where you have no job lined up.

Consider the fact that when you have a job, you have a pre-defined structure.  You go to work in the morning, do the tasks assigned to you, then come home in the evening.  This habit becomes so automatic, you don’t even think about it.  If you’ve been doing that for years, and then suddenly have full days ahead of you with nothing planned for you, be aware that the experience could be overwhelming.  It’s very different than being on vacation, where you feel inspired to take advantage of everything because you’ll be expected back in the office. The result could be a feeling of disorientation, confusion, and possible depression. If you are struggling to meet new people on top of this, it can hit you even harder.

If you find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, realize that your thoughts keep you from kicking off the sheets and starting your day, or have a sense of despair as you try and get going, these are some signs of depression.  It can hit all too quickly, and unexpectedly.  If you can’t get out of those periods of despair, and get so demotivated you can’t do anything, hire a therapist to help you with some tools to navigate the depression.

Knowing how hard relocation depression can hit, I’d like to offer some tips for trailing spouses who might eventually, or currently, find themselves in this position.

1. Know Yourself.  Take a good look at your life before you move. How do you fill your days? What activities do you do? What keeps you busy? What things do you do so regularly and automatically that you take them for granted?
2. Make Goals. Even if they’re small, keep yourself inspired by striving to accomplish something, and rewarding yourself when you do.
3. Take Action. Make an effort to do at least one thing every day towards a greater purpose – whether that be finding work, finding friends, or something else – one concrete action towards it each day will keep you going.
4. Create a Routine. When we have structure, we get used to a dependable schedule – something we do at the same time, on the same day, every week.  Find a way to recreate this pattern with a reliable activity – either one you do every week (e.g. going to the gym), or one you find and pay for (e.g. a continuing education class).
5. Join the Community. Find a way to get involved in your local community – this will help you meet people, and also find companionship, and give you a sense of purpose.
6. Find a “Check-In Buddy”. Once or twice a week, talk to someone to check in on your emotions and activities.  Make it someone you respect and agree to let them be honest with you and to tell you if they sense you’re depressed.  Agree to try and follow their suggestions.

** For more techniques on avoiding and overcoming relocation depression, check out The Relocation Success System! **

I went to the gym today and had a small epiphany about transitioning to a new culture. (I realize how bizarre that sounds!)

I went to one of those Total Body Conditioning classes where they have you lift weights so that, at the end, your muscles are so depleted you can barely exit the room. However, I tried a different instructor than usual.  He made us do a lot more cardio work than I had been doing in my other class.  My heart rate skyrocketed to the point of discomfort.  But, it made me realize I was feeling my heart work, something none of the previous classes had done for me.

We had to do poses and weight-lifts I had never seen before.  I was utterly confused, but realized my body was getting the benefit of an entirely new set of moves.

Finally, when stretching, he made us stretch our legs in a method I can only describe as contorting ourselves into an upright pretzel. I had no idea my body could even enter into the position he made us hold!

Then it hit me – this class was a bit like transitioning to a new culture. 

1. I started the new class feeling completely lost.  I didn’t know anyone, nor could I quite keep up with all the exercises.  I was also very uncomfortable with how fast my heart was beating.  I wondered what I got myself into. When you move someplace new, that “out of place” feeling hits hard at the beginning, and it can be very uncomfortable as you settle in.
2. I tried movements I had never done before, and approached the workout completely differently.  I was so used to doing the same set of movements over and over, that it broke me out of a routine.  Similarly, in other cultures, you’ll find that people approach every-day tasks in different ways than you’re accustomed to.  At first, new approaches may feel weird and uncomfortable, but after some time goes by, you will hopefully preceive that their approach is a new way to handle a situation, rather than thinking it’s “better” or “worse.  Furthermore, if you do feel stuck in a routine, trying one new thing dramatically shifts your insights!
3. I folded my body up in ways I didn’t know possible, in order to get a good stretch.  In fact, I really didn’t think it was possible to fold my legs as I did, and contemplated giving up.  So, when I succeeded, I felt uplifted!  When you have to learn a new language, or try a new food, or try new approaches to meeting people, you may feel it’s impossible to succeed.  However, if you’re willing to at least try, you may be pleasantly surprised.