It’s Culture Transition Tip Tuesday again!

Here is Tip #8

Welcome back to Culture Transition Tip Tuesday!

Here is Tip #7

I’ve been reading a wonderful book called, “The Art of Racing in the Rain” by Garth Stein.

The story centers around the life of the main character, but in an interesting twist, it is told through the eyes of his dog, Enzo.

What caught my attention in the story is the similarities of Enzo’s story to those of us who have every tried living in another country and been frustrated in our efforts to communiciate.

First, Enzo understands everything going on around him, but lacks the ability to talk back.  When you move to another country, if you don’t speak the language, you may feel a similar frustration, where you understand what everyone is saying, but you just can’t get the words out to reply, or say something, ANYTHING to let those around you know you get it.

Enzo is forced to rely on exaggerated gestures in his inability to speak.  If you’re in another country, and can’t rely on words, you, too will have to rely on another way to communicate, at least initially.  Whether it’s gestures, pointing to a dictionary, silly faces and pantomimes, pointing at things, etc – it may feel a bit degrading as you initially try to get your point across.

Sometimes, Enzo can’t get his point across.  There are moments in the story where tragic things happen and Enzo is unable to make those around him understand that he knows what has happened.  When words and gestures fail you in another country, the result can be aggravation, and even bouts of depression.  It’s enormously frustrating when you need to communicate something important and can’t seem to get your point across.

Enzo harps on humans and their listening skills.  There are many instances in the story where Enzo and his master are able to “speak” without words.  I can think of many examples in my own life when communication happened without words.  Sometimes, even in another country, the ability to listen – really listen – beyond the words, can help you understand a situation.

Frankly, I’ve always been fascinated with how some dogs seem to understand and communicate and they do it without words.  It’s in their gaze, the way they place their paw on you, their bark, their ears…I find it amazing that these companions can be so smart, and be an excellent reflection for anyone feeling the frustration of learning a new language.

As many of you may know, I feel it’s imperative that you make every effort to learn a new language if you’re moving to a new country.  However, let Enzo teach you a few good lessons while you’re at it:

1. Communication can happen without words
2. Gestures can sometimes be as effective as the words you are unable to say
3. You may feel silly while using gestures in place of words, but if you get your point across, isn’t that the most important?
4. Being able to really listen to someone – deeply, even beyond words – can sometimes have immeasurable value.  And, if you don’t speak the language, you’ll be able to really tune in to all the other ways of listening!

* Want more ideas and resources to learn a new language?  Check out the Personal Success Method *

Since January, I’ve been learning about Buddhist teachings, and last week we had an excellent lesson that I thought could easily apply to anyone feeling the stresses and challenges of relocation. Though this post may be a little hokey, I do hope that, at the very least, it inspires you to realize how much power and potential you have to learn and grow from any challenge.

The lesson was about our perception and how it impacts whether we are happy, or whether we tend towards suffering and unhappiness.  When you move to a new place, after the “honeymoon” phase wears off, it’s easy to get stuck in feelings like,

“I can’t meet anyone here that I like.”
“I don’t fit in here.”
“The bureaucracy I have to go through every day is overwhelming.”
“The food here is weird.”

and on and on.  The point being that your mind decides to see everything as “bad”, “different”, and “overwhelming”, and you then use these as justification to feel sad, unhappy, homesick, etc.  In fact, people are just people.  In another culture, they will naturally behave differently than they do wherever you are from.  This does not make anyone bad, and it doesn’t make you not fit in.  Your choice to see yourself as not fitting in, is what actually makes you stick out!

I think Buddhism is a lot like coaching in this area.  The concept here is that we each bear the responsibility, and the power, to create the life we want for ourselves.  When challenges arise, we have the power to either see them as overwhelming and let them take over our life, or to figure out what opportunity or lesson they present.

Now, I’m sure some of you are saying, “Heather, I think you smoked too much of something…” and others may be saying, “Girl, you’re full of it!  There’s no opportunity for me in language issues holding me back from making friends, and being able to get help finding toilet paper at the supermarket!  And, my boss being a jerk is not an opportunity, he’s got no right to treat me like that!”

OK, I’m with you, because I actually raised similar questions myself!  Let me give you an example.  A couple of weeks ago, I was on the subway in Manhattan.  I was sitting down, and there was a small space between me and the person to my right.  A woman eventually decided to sit there, only it turned out the space was not as large as she was.  The result?  SHE SAT ON MY LEG!  I couldn’t believe it.  I said “OUCH!” and it had no impact. 

I sat there, and I thought, “Who does this lady think she is?  My leg is not a seat!  She is sooooo rude, I can’t believe how unobservant she is!  What gives her the right to treat me like this?!! I was here first, she should get up if the seat isn’t big enough, this isn’t fair!”  OK, there were perhaps some profanities in there, too, but you get the basic point. 

When I got off at my stop, I literally had to hold on to a pole to PRY myself out of the seat, and when I got up there was a noise, kind of like a suction cup makes, and the woman actually fell down onto the empty space I had created.  I was really annoyed, and in that moment, there was no way in hell I was seeing an opportunity and the only lesson I was wishing for was a good right hook!

But, when I thought about this lesson on perception and opportunity, I began to see this subway situation differently.  First, though I perceived the woman as rude and obnoxious, I had the choice to get up and move, which I did not do.  I also had the choice to tap her on the arm and ask her to please get off my leg, which I did not do.  And, while I perceived this as “something that was done to me intentionally”, it’s possible she didn’t even notice she was sitting on my leg, not until I got up.  [I remembered looking back at her and noticing she seemed genuinely surprised and shocked when she dropped onto the seat, to realize she had been sitting on me.]

Now, for me, I also realized there was a lesson about pain.  My leg was in dire pain for hours afterwards.  I had literally ”sat with the pain”, and realized this situation had been an opportunity for me to choose another way to address the situation which would have resulted in me NOT feeling pain.  Of course, I didn’t realize this lesson at the time I could have done something about it, but the important thing is that I figured out the lesson, which will help me apply it the next time I get the same lesson.  (Anyone else out there find you get the same lessons tossed at you over and over until you learn them?)

Another subway example I can give you is when a woman sat beside me, and though she had plenty of space, let her bag was fall on me, and her coat linger on my lap. It just seemed like she couldn’t keep her belongings to herself.  I was getting really annoyed at the infringement of my space.  Just as my anger was rising to the point I would have said something, I looked over at the woman.  Behind her sunglasses, I saw tears.  I realized that this woman wasn’t ignorant, or rude; she was upset, and doing everything she could to keep her composure.  That evoked compassion in me, and understanding.  I no longer cared about her bag or coat being in my lap.  I simply respected her efforts to keep together.

When you live in another culture, there will be many, many times when you’ll perceive something as mean, bad, etc. but realize later was just a cultural or value difference.  I think the whole act of moving to another culture is an inevitable experience of opportunities to be challenged, grow, and change.  Simply try to remember that every challenge presented to you allows you the opportunity to perceive it any way you want; an unfair hurdle, an obstacle you use to get upset and return home as quickly as possible, or something that you use to discover a new part of yourself that helps you grow as a person.

** Want to know more about Buddhism?  Check out www.kadampa.org **

Whether you’re the trailing spouse, unable to work in a new country, or simply eager to find a way to feel purposeful in your day, I highly recommend helping someone!

This morning, walking along the snow/ice covered streets in New York, I happened upon a woman who wanted a cab, but was terrified to step onto the curb due to black ice which could cause her to slip and fall.  So, she asked if I would help her.  I held out my arm, and we slowly approached the curb.  I waited with her but no taxis showed up.

Happily, there was a hotel 2 blocks away.  Taxis normally congregate in front of them, so I walked this woman over to the hotel, holding my arm.  Her name was Welly (short for her last name) and she was a lovely woman.  Though I did have to get to my office, I felt there was, in that moment, nothing more important than helping this lovely person to a cab.  I had the choice to help her, or not, and then to stay with her until her need was fulfilled, or leave her in the middle.  By choosing both to help her, and to make sure she got safely to a cab, I felt I had served a useful purpose, which also made my day much better!

I did feel it was a bit “being in the right place at the right time”, but I’m sure I’ve been in a hurry, and walked right by a great opportunity like this before.  So, if you’re wondering how to add more meaning to your life, just open your eyes to someone right next to you, that might need your help, and offer your arm.

I was recently interviewed on World Coach TV where I explained the mission of Culture Transition Coaching, and gave some helpful tips on relocating.

Enjoy the video by clicking here!

I just saw a concerning article about expatriates and infidelity.  It makes an excellent point that if you are married and considering a move to a new country, you need to carefully consider all the changes the move will bring to your family.  The article also points out that marriages that are shaky before a move tend to fall apart after a move overseas.

Click here for the full article.  What are your thoughts on this?

And now, a poll just for the trailing spouses.  Please select all that apply, and feel free to write in any additional comments in the “other” section.  Once you vote, you can see how your results compare.

Feel free to pass the survey to others.

This compilation of survey results will be of great interest to trailing spouses.  The survey was completed by 3,300 expatriate spouses and partners currently accompanying an employed Expat.  They comprised 122 nationalities in 117 host countries for over 200 employers in the private and public sectors.

Clear evidence of how important it is for companies to be involved with the satisfaction of the trailing spouse to ensure a successful Expatriate work assignment. http://permitsfoundation.com/docs/permits_survey_summary.pdf