One of those “small” things that makes a big difference in feeling at home is being a regular.  What I mean by that is, maybe you get your newspaper in the same spot every day, or take a coffee at the same cafe – basically, by frequenting the same place as a paying customer, the store owner or an employee gets so used to seeing you that they might say hello, ask how your day was, or have a conversation with you.

I was reminded of this essential strategy recently.  At the risk of divulging how much I LOVE wine (especially red, and especially Malbec at the moment), I went to the same old liquor store I go to whenever I need something.  Over the holidays, I happened to have a coupon, saving me 20% off any 6 bottles of wine (all gone now!) and treated myself to some Bailey’s Irish Cream, and also got a gift for a few family members who love Tanquerray!  So, when I walked in recently to replace my empty bottle of my new favorite Malbec (by La Madrid, in case you wanted to know!) I sadly learned they were out.  So, one of the employees who happened to help me over the holidays, suggested another bottle.  He brought me to the cash register and, because he knows I shop there a lot, gave me a 10% discount without my asking!

Now, it’s not just the discount, that was a nice bonus, but the point is, because I’m a regular customer at this neighborhood store, one of the managers happens to greet me when I enter, offer to help me, and is exceptionally kind.  Even in a neighborhood I know well, I know how valuable  this level of contact can be to feel “known”.  Now, I’m not saying you need to get lots of alcohol (!), but I am saying, whatever you buy habitually, try to find a place you like, and, after a move, go there as much as possible as one strategy to feel a little more at home.

In many ways, when you relocate, you become a “newbie” – like a Freshman in college who used to have the “Senior” status, knew everything, felt popular, and all of a sudden, you got demoted.  Now, all that knowledge you have, all that expertise about some other place, is meaningless.  Not only does it seem to have no value to others, it has little or no value to you.  Knowing your way around town in Salt Lake City isn’t going to help you if you’re now living in Istanbul.  Your great friends from sewing class in New York aren’t with you now that  you moved to San Francisco, and so forth.

One of the things that can happen, when you move someplace new, is that you get stuck in fear.  Perhaps it’s fear of trying to speak a foreign language and making a mistake.  Perhaps it’s fear of all the things you have to do to settle in to a new home.  All the unknown and all the fear can lead to you entering into a rut where nothing is happening, and you can’t seem to take any steps forward.

So, here’s a little visualization idea for you.  What in your life can you think of that represents the essence of fear for you, that you have overcome?  If you can hold on to that analogy, you may be able to entice yourself to take some forward ACTION steps towards the life you want.

Here’s my example for you.  I used to ski.  (I only say used to because I haven’t for a few years!) I would say I’m intermediate level.  I remember taking lessons, as a kid, with a ski instructor, Chris.  I had a huge crush on him.  Somehow, he got me to one of those slopes that is full of moguls – that’s it, no flat area, just bumps all the way down, and really steep.  I was absolutely petrified.  I froze.  There was no way I was going down that hill.  I think my legs started trembling in fear, and I felt paralyzed.  Chris somehow encouraged me to face the mountain sideways instead of head on.  So, instead of looking at the hill as something to ski DOWN, he had me look at it as something to ski ACROSS.  My heart beat fiercely every moment I had to turn around on the hill because, inevitably, I had to point my skis downard in the middle of the turn.  But, each time, I was able to make it around and keep going.

At some point on the journey, I stopped.  I still had a ways to go.  But I looked UP.  I realized I had already made it down a good part of that hill.  If I had made it that far, I could make it down the rest of the hill.  (And save face with Chris, who wouldn’t think I was a total whimp!)

So, now, if I’m confronting a hardship, some action I need to face that fills me with fear, I can visualize that ski slope, flooded with moguls.  I can see myself at the top of that hill, knowing that all I have to do is push off.  After that, I get to choose whether to bolt forward, or break the issue down into side steps.  Either way, I’m still taking an action to get out of a rut.

So, what’s your vision?

It’s Culture Transition Tip Tuesday again!

Here is Tip #8

I recently had the pleasure of being a volunteer Big Apple Greeter for two lovely new friends from France.  We spent much of the weekend together, saw lower Manhattan, the snow in Central Park, complete with skiers, snowmen, and sledders, a rare treat!

One of the great things I love about this volunteer opportunity is how it allows me to see New York with a fresh pair of eyes, getting to see someone else’s perceptions, what they find different, funny, weird, etc. and this visit helped me see some new cultural differences, some I knew, some were new.  As I think about it, these are also some of the “little” things that your mind takes in when you venture to a new place, and often have a huge impact on you initially.

1. France does not have “doggy bags”.  If you don’t finish your meal and ask to take the rest home, they will either laugh, or literally dump it into a bag! My guests made me take the takeout container out of its plastic bag so they could see it, and were amazed that we have containers prepared expressly for this purpose.  Imagine if you’re an American, and move to France, and ask for your food to go, and are met with this reaction, what would you do?
2. Subway entrances come in different shapes and sizes.  At some Manhattan stations, the only entrances available look like revolving doors.  My friends thought they were exits only, so left the station, but then saw other people going down and not returning, so figured out the doors were entrances, too.   What if you came to New York, needed to use the subway, and found you couldn’t get in because it seemed there were no turnstiles!  And, you’ve already bought your metro card!
3. Metro Cards are confusing.  If you don’t swipe them perfectly, you actually won’t be allowed into the subway.  And, if you don’t read English, you won’t be able to interpret the error message in front of you.  Did you know you could ask the subway agent for help?
4. There really is a Starbucks on almost every corner in Manhattan.  France only has one.   I prefer French coffee but my new French friends actually didn’t have disdain for the Starbucks coffee!

* For more ideas on adjustments to expect after relocating, *click here! *

Much of our lives, whether or not we’re an expat, relocated, or stayed at home, revolves around our perception of being/feeling different and trying to fit in.

I recently watched the movie “Happy Feet” and was struck by this theme in the  movie.  Mumbo, the main character, is a penguin.  All penguins in the movie are born with a special, unique, voice and trained to sing until the moment they find their mate, through song.  Mumbo, however, can’t sing.  Instead, he is born with the ability to tap dance.  Since he is the only penguin in his flock who taps, and does not sing, he is rejected by most of them.  This causes him to feel he doesn’ t belong, because, when he is himself, he is not accepted.  He leaves for a while, albeit with a specific quest, and at one point has a conversation with a seagull who tells him to return to his kind.  Mumbo replies, “I have no kind,” and swims away.

If you are an expat in another country, I’m sure you’re familiar with this feeling of not belonging, or have been at some point.  Your innate habits and behaviors may suddenly leave you feeling “is no one like me?” or wondering, “Where can I possibly fit in here?”  Even worse, when you return “home”, or to that place you grew up, or spent most of your life, thinking you fit in and are like everyone else, you may be shocked to find that, once again, you have changed to the point that you no longer do fit in, and this can be even more isolating.

I find there is an interesting paradox here.  I remember when I was a kid, being different seemed a “bad” thing.  Anyone who told me, “being different makes you unique” left me feeling they didn’t have a clue what I was feeling, and furthermore, made me angry.  Nowadays, I can understand that putting my “differences” and “uniqueness” to work in the right places actually makes me more accepted than ever before.  

There seems to be a paradox here – if you have ever aspired to accept your differences, and finally did as you grew up, isn’t it ironic that the things that make you fit in in one place, can leave you sticking out like a sore thumb in another place?  And, once again, as an older person, leave you feeling like you don’t fit in?  But once you relocate, instead of accepting your uniquness and living it, you are suddenly challenged to be like everyone else.   The irony, for me, is, after spending so much time trying to accept yourself for being different, you’re suddenly challenged to conform, and reject your own uniqueness.

What are your thoughts on this?

My ultimate dream is to make a positive difference in people’s lives through coaching and charity. 

Culture Transition Coaching is about helping people overcome the biggest hurdles when they adjust to a new life in an unfamiliar place.  Specifically, the social, personal, and professional challenges you will be faced with the first 12 – 18 months, as well as career development beyond that.  

With the recent tragedies in Haiti and Chile, I wanted to do something more to make a difference.  So, for the month of March, I have decided to merge my two dreams into one – I want to help you, AND, help victims of these two tragedies.  So, during March, buy any Culture Transition Success product, and I will donate HALF, yes 50%, of your purchase price, to the American Red Cross.  Please spread the word! 

Simply visit www.culturetransition.com/products and I will acknowledge the donation after your purchase.

When you move to a new place, the sights and sounds right around you are some of the first things you’ll notice, and will also be some of the first things that impact you.

In this video I tell (and show!) you the impact of new physical surroundings.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE6hn8yoQow&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

Since January, I’ve been learning about Buddhist teachings, and last week we had an excellent lesson that I thought could easily apply to anyone feeling the stresses and challenges of relocation. Though this post may be a little hokey, I do hope that, at the very least, it inspires you to realize how much power and potential you have to learn and grow from any challenge.

The lesson was about our perception and how it impacts whether we are happy, or whether we tend towards suffering and unhappiness.  When you move to a new place, after the “honeymoon” phase wears off, it’s easy to get stuck in feelings like,

“I can’t meet anyone here that I like.”
“I don’t fit in here.”
“The bureaucracy I have to go through every day is overwhelming.”
“The food here is weird.”

and on and on.  The point being that your mind decides to see everything as “bad”, “different”, and “overwhelming”, and you then use these as justification to feel sad, unhappy, homesick, etc.  In fact, people are just people.  In another culture, they will naturally behave differently than they do wherever you are from.  This does not make anyone bad, and it doesn’t make you not fit in.  Your choice to see yourself as not fitting in, is what actually makes you stick out!

I think Buddhism is a lot like coaching in this area.  The concept here is that we each bear the responsibility, and the power, to create the life we want for ourselves.  When challenges arise, we have the power to either see them as overwhelming and let them take over our life, or to figure out what opportunity or lesson they present.

Now, I’m sure some of you are saying, “Heather, I think you smoked too much of something…” and others may be saying, “Girl, you’re full of it!  There’s no opportunity for me in language issues holding me back from making friends, and being able to get help finding toilet paper at the supermarket!  And, my boss being a jerk is not an opportunity, he’s got no right to treat me like that!”

OK, I’m with you, because I actually raised similar questions myself!  Let me give you an example.  A couple of weeks ago, I was on the subway in Manhattan.  I was sitting down, and there was a small space between me and the person to my right.  A woman eventually decided to sit there, only it turned out the space was not as large as she was.  The result?  SHE SAT ON MY LEG!  I couldn’t believe it.  I said “OUCH!” and it had no impact. 

I sat there, and I thought, “Who does this lady think she is?  My leg is not a seat!  She is sooooo rude, I can’t believe how unobservant she is!  What gives her the right to treat me like this?!! I was here first, she should get up if the seat isn’t big enough, this isn’t fair!”  OK, there were perhaps some profanities in there, too, but you get the basic point. 

When I got off at my stop, I literally had to hold on to a pole to PRY myself out of the seat, and when I got up there was a noise, kind of like a suction cup makes, and the woman actually fell down onto the empty space I had created.  I was really annoyed, and in that moment, there was no way in hell I was seeing an opportunity and the only lesson I was wishing for was a good right hook!

But, when I thought about this lesson on perception and opportunity, I began to see this subway situation differently.  First, though I perceived the woman as rude and obnoxious, I had the choice to get up and move, which I did not do.  I also had the choice to tap her on the arm and ask her to please get off my leg, which I did not do.  And, while I perceived this as “something that was done to me intentionally”, it’s possible she didn’t even notice she was sitting on my leg, not until I got up.  [I remembered looking back at her and noticing she seemed genuinely surprised and shocked when she dropped onto the seat, to realize she had been sitting on me.]

Now, for me, I also realized there was a lesson about pain.  My leg was in dire pain for hours afterwards.  I had literally ”sat with the pain”, and realized this situation had been an opportunity for me to choose another way to address the situation which would have resulted in me NOT feeling pain.  Of course, I didn’t realize this lesson at the time I could have done something about it, but the important thing is that I figured out the lesson, which will help me apply it the next time I get the same lesson.  (Anyone else out there find you get the same lessons tossed at you over and over until you learn them?)

Another subway example I can give you is when a woman sat beside me, and though she had plenty of space, let her bag was fall on me, and her coat linger on my lap. It just seemed like she couldn’t keep her belongings to herself.  I was getting really annoyed at the infringement of my space.  Just as my anger was rising to the point I would have said something, I looked over at the woman.  Behind her sunglasses, I saw tears.  I realized that this woman wasn’t ignorant, or rude; she was upset, and doing everything she could to keep her composure.  That evoked compassion in me, and understanding.  I no longer cared about her bag or coat being in my lap.  I simply respected her efforts to keep together.

When you live in another culture, there will be many, many times when you’ll perceive something as mean, bad, etc. but realize later was just a cultural or value difference.  I think the whole act of moving to another culture is an inevitable experience of opportunities to be challenged, grow, and change.  Simply try to remember that every challenge presented to you allows you the opportunity to perceive it any way you want; an unfair hurdle, an obstacle you use to get upset and return home as quickly as possible, or something that you use to discover a new part of yourself that helps you grow as a person.

** Want to know more about Buddhism?  Check out www.kadampa.org **

The choice to relocate is both important, and difficult. Moving someplace new will be a huge change socially, personally, and professionally.

You’ll be uprooting more than just your belongings. You’ll have to leave good friends and maybe family behind. If you’re well established in your career, then you’ll be starting all over in a new office which can feel a bit like the transition from a senior in high school to a freshman in college!

If you’re moving with your family, then there will be differing priorities and expectations to reconcile, and possibly investigations into education systems and whether a potentially unemployed spouse will be happy in a new role.

Unfortunately, there can be so many competing feelings, opinions, and expectations that a decision becomes impossible. You can easily get paralyzed by advice from your friends and family, the uncertainty of the impact to your career, and the inability to know how things will turn out after you move.

So, let’s look at a few ways to help you make this tough decision:

** Try out the Relocation Decision Kit to help you with the right questions to make this tough decision **

By now, hopefully you’ve had a chance to see the film “Avatar” at least once.  (I’ve seen it twice – once in IMAX 3D, incredible!)

I realized that this was the ultimate relocation experience – both physically and mentally.  So, I thought it would be interesting to analyze the film from this perspective.

When we’re first entering the film, the main character is relocating to another planet.  Even though the typical relocation stays on earth, it can feel like you’ve gone to another planet when you first arrive.  There are changes in nature, architecture, clothing and food to name a few.  Nothing on the terrain may feel familiar, leaving you feeling a bit alien to the culture, and perhaps experiencing culture shock.

Even if you do jump in and try to get going, like the main character in Avatar when he syncs with his Avatar, you will inevitably maintain the behaviors you’re accustomed to.  Jake Sully, in Avatar, knows how to be a fighter, use a gun, and be flippant.  When he jumps into his Avatar body, he goes right into “attack and defend” mode, as he was trained to do.  You may try to dress the same way, speak the same way, drive on the same side of the road, etc and find that you need to make some adjustments to fit in on your new “planet”.

We watch as Jake Sully learns the ways of the people of Pandora.  At first, he is fascinated, but keeps his flippancy, even trying to speak to the “tribe” when speech is forbidden to anyone who is not born or inducted into that tribe.  When you relocate, you must watch for cultural traditions and respect them.  This can be found in formailty of address, eye contact, etc.  Make sure you take the time to observe, and do your best to learn the ways of the culture you’re living in.  Notice that in the movie, Jake had no real allies.  Neytiri is forced, against her will, to train Jake, and everyone else scoffs at him as an outsider who will never succeed.  Eventually, Jake convinces Neytiri of his heart and interest, and once he wins her over, he is able to eventually be accepted into the tribe.  In a similar way, you may originally have a hard time making friends, or feel like an outsider who is not accepted.  Remember, you only need one friend to make a start – so focus on making just one friend or ally, and then let the rest fall into place after you relocate. Remember, too, the more willing you are to learn and adapt to the local customs and traditions, the easier and quicker your transition will be.

A funny thing begins to happen by the end of the film – Jake actually becomes his Avatar.  Now, while you may not necessarily become a citizen or a native of another country or culture, if you make the effort to learn their ways, and stay there long enough, you will eventually have a strong identity with them.  For anyone in this situation, if you eventually repatriate, you will find you have a difficult time because of how closely you identify with the culture you’ve assimilated to, making you feel like an outsider in what, previously, you considered home.

Inevitably, this could lead you to question “who am I?”  Is Jake a man, his Avatar, or both?  Crossing cultures is a complicated process, but sometimes it helps you discover wonderful parts of yourself you never would have found if you hadn’t taken the challenge.