Relocating to a new place unfortunately brings the likelihood that you may feel depressed once in a while for a myriad of reasons I’ve mentioned before on my blog.  We can never have enough strategies to beat depression so here are a few tips in case you’re in the blues:

1. Get outside.  Feel the fresh air on your face, even if it’s raining or snowing, just go outside and be reminded that there is life outside your door.
2. Pet a dog. (Or cat, or horse…) Somehow, animals are magic when it comes to depression, and spending just a few minutes with the animal of your choice can work wonders.  If you’re allergic, take a Claritin or whatever your favorite allergy medecine is and find an animal to pet!  Don’t have one or live near someone who does? Find the nearest pet shop and ask to hold a dog or cat even for a few minutes!  No pet shop?  Try an animal shelter.
3. Do one thing on your to-do list.  It doesn’t matter how small – buy the tube of toothpaste you need, go to the coffee shop you’ve been meaning to try, wash the laundry – just do ONE thing.  Action steps help draw you forward and get out of the “I’m stuck” feeling.
4. Call or email a friend.  Pick one person, let them know what’s going on.  Don’t isolate yourself.  Try to unload one time, and promise yourself, and your friend, you’ll work on strategies to pull yourself out of the depression, starting the next time you contact him or her.
5. Throw out clutter.  The act of throwing out all those papers and boxes and whatever else is causing a mess is very therapeutic!

* Want to learn more ways to beat depression and settle in to a new culture? Check out The Personal Success Method! *

Continuing to enjoy the energy and lessons of my recent meditation retreat, I attended a seminar and meditation evening offered by the Kadampa organization in New York City.  There was one question that struck me very deeply:

“What do you do that makes you happy?”

January is often the time we set goals, make resolutions, and determine what we’ll do differently or better.  So, I found this question to be very timely, and very thought provoking.  On the surface, I might say, “I find great ways to meet new people, I travel, I reach lots of people with my blog,” and a host of other activities. But the question is really much deeper. 

We spoke about our natural tendency as human beings to wake up each day and hope our day goes well.  We might think things like, “I hope this year is better than last year” “I hope I get a job” ”I hope the boss is nicer to me today.” “I hope I don’t have to do that stupid report today.” If you’re homesick, or suffering from relocation depression, you might be thinking, “I hope I can find something interesting to do today.” “I hope I can leave this awful place soon.” “I hope someone will become my friend today.” Do those thoughts make you happy? 

Typically, those thoughts disempower us.  Instead, those thoughts put all our power in our circumstances, and the people around us to make us happy.  If the train is late, or the boss is mean, or you don’t find anything to do today, then your day will stink.  After a stinky, tough, horrible day, you’ll come home feeling angry and unhappy.  Once you get home, you’ll expect your friends and family to be understanding, and make you feel happier. As if they hold the key to making you feel better.

But the real truth is, we create our own happiness.  We have the choice to get angry when things don’t go our way, or to see the opportunities that are created and focus on what makes us happy, and create more happiness in our lives.  For example, let’s say a friend cancels plans with you last minute, leaving you alone with nothing to do.  You can get angry, complain to your friend that you could have made other plans if they had told you sooner, and spend the evening muttering curse words and feeling full of regret.  Or, you can catch up on that reading you haven’t had time for, go to the movies, check out a museum, walk home a different way, etc. 

As you spend your January making resolutions, I’m going to challenge you to be more happy!  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Every day after you wake up ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do today to make myself happy?”
2. Answer that question every day.
3. Carry a small notebook around with you and write down the things you notice yourself doing each day that make you happy.
4. Start doing those things more often.

Another way to take care of yourself during hard times, or take a break from a rut is to walk in nature.  Whether that’s a park, or something other, the point is to step into it. I’d suggest brining a journal with you as you never know what epiphanies you’ll have and you won’t want to miss the opportunity to right them down!

In Part One of my recent meditation retreat, I shared some of my learnings from my “inward journey”. As promised there, I’m now going to let you know about a scary hike in the woods that ended up being very insightful!  I was told the hike was beautiful, and there were a few people who had gone walking a few minutes ahead of me, so I figured I’d catch up to them and share the journey.

Instead, I ended up alone, lost, and scared out of my mind! Sometimes, however, fear can be an excellent teacher.

First, the path did not lead where I expected.  I was told it circled the property, but the property soon disappeared, and I found myself walking in the exact  opposite direction, with twists and turns leading me further and further away. This made me panic and I contemplated returning back to the familiar before I got lost. Especially because it started snowing, no one was in site ahead of me, and I feared that the snow would cover the path I was trying to follow and assumed the journey back would be quicker than the one ahead of me.

I got lost in my worries. “If I get lost out here, if it gets too dark to see, will anyone come looking for me? Am I safe out here all alone? Why can’t I find the other hikers, did I take a wrong turn? When will this darn path head in the right direction?  What if it doesn’t?” I soon heard a noise, a branch snapping, and stopped cold. I looked up and saw 6 or 7 deer prancing deep into the woods in the distance, white tails raised behind them. I made a mental note that worrying so much keeps me from being aware of the beauty around me.

the woods were beautiful, gentle snowfall, alone, undisturbed trees standing guard.

The path continued to twist and turn in unexpected directions. I hoped it would lead someplace.

I realized I’m uncomfortable and afraid when wandering aimlessly. Afraid of being lost, and not reaching my goals. I had to push beyond my fear since my goal (the end of the path) was nowhere in sight.

Then I figured the path had to lead somewhere. It had an end. Just maybe not where I expected.

Soon thereafter, I saw a house. I didn’t care who’s house, it was an end to my path! I got closer and saw it was the house in which I was staying, phew! But when I arrived, I noticed I had the choice to follow the path towards it, or to plod onward. I chose the adventure and soon found myself between the house, and the temple on the property. I stood between them and realized that everything around me was the same, but I felt more brave and empowered. So, I ventured onto a small path, a “Meditation Path” I hadn’t noticed before.

I braved ice and twice had to take a literal leap of faith, from a rock, onto snow-covered ground which I didn’t know if it was firm, had ice underneath, or was inches deep. I ended up on my feet both times.

Here’s what I took away from my experience, and the comparisons I saw in a relocation experience:

1. I am afraid when I am in the unknown and feel lost.
2. Sometimes, things don’t go as expected, but following a path can lead to enriching experiences.
3. When panic struck, I immediately wanted to return to the familiar. (When you relocate and feel homesick or depressed, you may yearn for home, what you know, the escape…)
4. When I get stuck worrying and focus so much on life’s problems, I miss the beautiful things around me. (When you focus on all that’s going wrong in your experience, you’re probably not even noticing what’s going right.)
5. I persisted and found my way home, which made me feel inspired. (Often times, if you stay put and brave the journey ahead, you end up stronger for the experience.)
6. I chose a new path.  Courage leads to inspiration!
7. I took two leaps of faith and landed on solid ground, slipping once, but holding my ground, and realized I’m ok! (Relocating is, in it’s own way, a leap of faith. You may slip along the way, but you can find a way to make it work.)

* Research what nearby opportunities you have to walk or spend time in nature. *
** Want to learn more about Kadampa meditation retreats? Visit www.kadampa.org **

I’m in the middle of a two-part vacation, and thought I’d share my experiences with you.

One of the things I advocate after you relocate, especially if you’re feeling depressed, or homesick, is to take care of yourself in a meaningful way. I treated myself to a partially silent meditation retreat at Kadampa Buddhist center the past few days, and it was phenomenal!

I didn’t know anything about Buddhism prior to this retreat, nor had I ever done a silent retreat, so everything was brand new. I spent several days at a retreat house “in the middle of nowhere” sharing a house with other retreaters, and Buddhist nuns and monks.  I did a combination of personal meditations, and a few shared ones, and dined on home-cooked, delicious vegetarian meals which somehow filled me up after only a few delicious bites. I enjoyed the time meeting new friends, and also amused at how some of the nuns and monks enjoyed hot sauce so their food. I nicknamed one of the monks “macho monk” as his name was especially difficult to remember! 

My experience in this wonderful community was somewhat like a cross-cultural experience, too. I met people from many different countries. I spent time getting to know monks and nuns and how they live their daily lives, what they believe in, what they wear, who they were before becoming ordained, learning about their values, etc.

Here are a few other  things I learned:

1. spending time in silence is not as scary or as difficult as it may sound. In fact, it was one of the most beneficial experiences I’ve ever had.
2. you do not have to shave your head or convert to a new religion to go on a retreat!
3. we think a lot about the junk food we eat and fill our bodies with, but we are often blind, deaf and dumb when it comes to what we fill our mind with.
4. you can learn a lot about yourself when you take the time to reflect, commit to leave your computer behind, go someplace where there is no cell phone service, and no noise!
5. worrying about problems serves no purpose – if a problem can be fixed, there’s no need to worry.  If it’s not fixable, then worrying won’t help. (This was a quote in my room, though the author was not mentioned, but I thought it was superb!)
6. watching snowflakes fall, I likened them to “the path of least resistance”. I never noticed before how when the wind is gentle, they all blow about on different paths, turning without hesitation when the wind changes direction, and each ending up in its own unique end.  It’s like they comfortably drift along, enjoying the ride, knowing they will reach their destination. (And if only I could achieve that ease one day!)

Our teacher, called Gen Samten, made a wonderful comparison of a vacation and a meditation retreat.  He said, when you go on vacation, you always get “PVDS” – Post-Vacation-Depression-Syndrome(!) but returning from a retreat, you come back with more insight.

Another quote I came across in a book by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso that I loved is this, “…we are just as likely to develop the qualities that really matter – such as wisdom, patience, and compassion – through our failures as through our successes.”

I wanted to share a bit of my experience (trying not to babble on or bore you!) to make the point that time away from all your perceived problems is an excellent way to focus inward, to find out what you really desire, what you really need, and it helps you return home with some changed perceptions that may help you improve whatever is most driving you crazy or making you angry. Perhaps Buddhism is not for you, or perhaps you don’t have a retreat facility nearby (by the way, this type of retreat is EXTREMELY inexpensive) or you don’t like the idea of sharing a bathroom, but if you have your own way to spend a few days “unplugged” in an unfamiliar environment, I highly recommed it.

Stay tuned for Part Two of my experience – “a hike from hell” that taught me some valuable lessons!

* Want more ideas on finding activities and taking care of yourself? Check out The Personal Success Method! *

This is a follow-up to my previous post on relocation depression.  I see a lot of questions and forums where people relocate and get stuck in anger and resentment and then feel lost and depressed.  So, I wanted to give this issue some further attention in the hopes that it will be of help to get you unstuck.

To do so, I thought I’d share some of my own strategies that I’ve used to help me navigate transitions which left me without structure. Frankly, even as an expat, having that job to go to every day, I still felt periods of depression as I adjusted.

So, let me give you some further insights into what worked for me, in the hopes that it may inspire you. I am someone who has always had structure, and tons of activities in my life.  Any time I’ve found myself without, I am quite startled by those moments of demotivation, and the frustration of making lots of effort to create structure that go unanswered, so here’s what I do:

• Go to the gym. Exercise somehow puts me in a very different frame of mind. I find it most helpful to join a class with a teacher telling me what to do – there’s something very helpful and motivating about following instructions from someone – it feels like less pressure on myself, and, I am guaranteed a great workout because someone is coaching me to push myself harder than I would on my own.
• Seek out something new. If I find a cafe, restaurant, or place I’ve never been before, it pulls me out of a rut, and gets my creative juices flowing, and, again, helps me stay in a positive state of mind.
• Help others. I like to volunteer some of my time to help others. Being of service I get to make someone else’s life better, and that, in turn, helps me improve my own life.
• Track my actions. When I make goals and take actions, I like to write them down someplace and take a look at them each day, and update my progress.  This allows me, when stuck in despair, to see that I have been making efforts, and to see where it’s paying off.
• Take it easy. Sometimes, the best way to handle frustration and despair is to simply focus on something else – meditation, yoga, a walk in nature, etc. Shifting your energy can have profound impacts on your life.
• Get a coach! I can’t tell you enough the value of working with a trained coach who listens to me, helps me understand which viewpoints are keeping me success, and keeps me on track, and energized and inspired to continue. That’s why I love to coach others – seeing someone else succeed equally inspires me!

** For more techniques on avoiding and overcoming relocation depression, check out The Relocation Success System! **

If you move to a new place as the trailing spouse, your transition could feel like a rollercoaster ride. This is especially important to realize if you gave up a job or a career where you’ve spent years building up your reputation, only to move someplace where you have no job lined up.

Consider the fact that when you have a job, you have a pre-defined structure.  You go to work in the morning, do the tasks assigned to you, then come home in the evening.  This habit becomes so automatic, you don’t even think about it.  If you’ve been doing that for years, and then suddenly have full days ahead of you with nothing planned for you, be aware that the experience could be overwhelming.  It’s very different than being on vacation, where you feel inspired to take advantage of everything because you’ll be expected back in the office. The result could be a feeling of disorientation, confusion, and possible depression. If you are struggling to meet new people on top of this, it can hit you even harder.

If you find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, realize that your thoughts keep you from kicking off the sheets and starting your day, or have a sense of despair as you try and get going, these are some signs of depression.  It can hit all too quickly, and unexpectedly.  If you can’t get out of those periods of despair, and get so demotivated you can’t do anything, hire a therapist to help you with some tools to navigate the depression.

Knowing how hard relocation depression can hit, I’d like to offer some tips for trailing spouses who might eventually, or currently, find themselves in this position.

1. Know Yourself.  Take a good look at your life before you move. How do you fill your days? What activities do you do? What keeps you busy? What things do you do so regularly and automatically that you take them for granted?
2. Make Goals. Even if they’re small, keep yourself inspired by striving to accomplish something, and rewarding yourself when you do.
3. Take Action. Make an effort to do at least one thing every day towards a greater purpose – whether that be finding work, finding friends, or something else – one concrete action towards it each day will keep you going.
4. Create a Routine. When we have structure, we get used to a dependable schedule – something we do at the same time, on the same day, every week.  Find a way to recreate this pattern with a reliable activity – either one you do every week (e.g. going to the gym), or one you find and pay for (e.g. a continuing education class).
5. Join the Community. Find a way to get involved in your local community – this will help you meet people, and also find companionship, and give you a sense of purpose.
6. Find a “Check-In Buddy”. Once or twice a week, talk to someone to check in on your emotions and activities.  Make it someone you respect and agree to let them be honest with you and to tell you if they sense you’re depressed.  Agree to try and follow their suggestions.

** For more techniques on avoiding and overcoming relocation depression, check out The Relocation Success System! **

I just finished reading a fantastic book, “Peaks and Valleys”, by Spencer Johnson, and had to write a post about it because it’s so inspiring for all of lifes ups and downs.

For anyone out there that might have relocated and feel isolated, depressed, or be thinking, “What have I done?”, I hope the insights from this book might inspire you out of a bad time and into a good one.  Applying the insights to relocating, here’s what I came up with:

Make Reality Your Friend
If you’re feeling awful, can’t meet new friends, don’t like your job, don’t fit in, etc. ask yourself, “What’s the truth here?”  The premise of the book is that you should ask this question both when you’re in a “Valley” (bad time) or on a “Peak” (good time).  So, in essence, ask yourself what’s really going on.  Are you trying to duplicate friends and setting your expectations such that you’ll never meet them?  Do you not fit in, or have you not tried to adapt to what’s around you?  Stay in touch with the underlying reality.

Find and Use the Good Hidden in a Bad Time
If things have really got you down, nothing seems to be going your way, you’re aggravated, frustrated, and wondering why you bothered to relocate, do the opposite of everything you’re doing now.  If you’re complaining, start praising everything around you.  If you isolate yourself, start going outside.  Find a way to be of service in your community, and be a more loving person.  These are the actions that move you out of a bad time, and into a good one.

Appreciate and Manage Your Good Times Wisely
When life is good, and everything is going your way, figure out what actions and behaviors got you there, and make it a mission to do more of those things.

Follow Your Sensible Vision
Especially if you’re in a low point, try envisioning what you’d like your life to be.  Perhaps surrounded by great friends, a well-known person in the community, etc.  Get very clear on the details of your desired vision, and think of it often.  Then you can enjoy doing what you need to take you there.

The book recounts these themes in a fable-type story, it’s a quick read, and I highly recommend it!  It’s invaluable whether you’ve been laid off, have problems in your relationship, difficulty making friends – really just about any of life’s situations. 

Check out http://www.peaksandvalleysthebook.com/ for more information.

In today’s economy, there are a lot of individuals that are forced to move to a new city, or even a new country.  Often times, it’s a matter of moving where the work is.  This can be difficult or easy – depending upon whether you’re moving happily or you’re moving against your will.  If you’re moving to follow a dream, you might feel excited and as if there are no limits.  However, if you’re the trailing spouse who is moving because your partner is following his or her dream – it can be easy to feel resentful, stubborn and unwilling for change to happen.

Unfortunately, staying stuck in this resentment, and continuing to be stubborn will actually backfire.  It will quickly lead you to see only negatives about your life, hate where you’re living, be angry with those around you, end up pushing away loved ones and, ultimately, to become completely isolated, homesick, and maybe even depressed.

So, what should you do if you are being forced to move against your will, or if you’ve already relocated and are stuck in resentment?  Here are some helpful strategies:

• Admit that you hate it.  If you hate the idea of moving, say it.  Admit it out loud – yell it if you want to.  Give yourself this opportunity to speak your mind.  This will allow you to give voice to your internal feelings, be heard, and that, in turn, will enable you to move on.
• Give yourself a grieving period.  Set a defined time limit – no more than two weeks – to allow yourself to really grieve about the move.  Mope around, growl at the changes you see, just feel terrible. Towards the end of this period, you might even try exaggerating how awful everything is to get it all out, and, also, allow yourself to understand how easy it is to find all the negatives. But once the grieving period is over, stop it.  Make a commitment to find positives, stop complaining better and really stick to it.
• Each day, find a positive and celebrate it.  You might find a video store that allows you to rent movies really cheaply.  You might have had a nice conversation with the cashier as you purchased groceries.  Perhaps you treat yourself to some chocolate and celebrate how great it tasted!  The point is to celebrate something – feel good about something each day.
• Keep a journal of your experiences.  Keep track of everything – all the feelings from your grieving period, and then notes about the positive things you find to celebrate. After a few months, you’ll be able to read back over the entries and see just how far you’ve come.  This is encouraging and can really help you in your new surroundings.

For more helpful tips to avoid relocation depression, visit www.relocationdepression.com