One of those “small” things that makes a big difference in feeling at home is being a regular.  What I mean by that is, maybe you get your newspaper in the same spot every day, or take a coffee at the same cafe – basically, by frequenting the same place as a paying customer, the store owner or an employee gets so used to seeing you that they might say hello, ask how your day was, or have a conversation with you.

I was reminded of this essential strategy recently.  At the risk of divulging how much I LOVE wine (especially red, and especially Malbec at the moment), I went to the same old liquor store I go to whenever I need something.  Over the holidays, I happened to have a coupon, saving me 20% off any 6 bottles of wine (all gone now!) and treated myself to some Bailey’s Irish Cream, and also got a gift for a few family members who love Tanquerray!  So, when I walked in recently to replace my empty bottle of my new favorite Malbec (by La Madrid, in case you wanted to know!) I sadly learned they were out.  So, one of the employees who happened to help me over the holidays, suggested another bottle.  He brought me to the cash register and, because he knows I shop there a lot, gave me a 10% discount without my asking!

Now, it’s not just the discount, that was a nice bonus, but the point is, because I’m a regular customer at this neighborhood store, one of the managers happens to greet me when I enter, offer to help me, and is exceptionally kind.  Even in a neighborhood I know well, I know how valuable  this level of contact can be to feel “known”.  Now, I’m not saying you need to get lots of alcohol (!), but I am saying, whatever you buy habitually, try to find a place you like, and, after a move, go there as much as possible as one strategy to feel a little more at home.

While I’m on my series of “trivial” things that can cause culture shock, I realized on my recent trip to Florida that animals are yet another thing you don’t always think about as causing this common feeling.

One of the things I like best about visiting my mom in Florida is seeing all the lizards everywhere.  I try to slowly approach them and photograph them before they leap (yes, they really leap!) or run off.  Lizards, you see, are not something common to Manhattan, except, perhaps, in my local pet store.  Even then, they do not have all the varieties that exist in Florida, nor the enjoyment of open space within which to reign.

In Australia, I absolutely loved the kangaroos and went to many zoos and refuges to feed them.  Australians I met, however, considered them rats or roadkill!  But, if you are Australian and accustomed to kangaroos and koalas, and you move away from home, you will no longer find these animals anyplace but, perhaps, the zoo.

Seeing animals you have never seen around you in the wild, or the absence of such animals, can easily cause you to miss home.  This can also make you realize how different your current surroundings are from the place you’ve moved.  You might miss them, you might look forward to discovering them, but either way, this is yet another “small” example of the things you might overlook when relocating.

I recently spent some time in Florida and had to laugh at how New York has set my expectations of a manicure/pedicure experience.

In Manhattan, you can find a nail salon almost more easily than a Starbucks. Almost any place you choose is fairly decent and it’s rare to find a salon nowadays without a staff that’s also trained in massage and waxing. One of the most enjoyable parts of the experience is the hand and foot massage complete with lotion and a hot towel to seal in the moisture and wipe off excess lotion.

So, it came as a bit of a surprise in Florida that nail salons are harder to find, and they are not as meticulous. Most shocking to me is that after massaging lotion into my hands and arms I am asked to get up, walk over to the sink, and wash the lotion off! And this is despite the fact that they use a warm towel to wipe off your legs after a pedicure.

Though I realize these examples are a bit trite, those of you relocating for the first time need to be aware of how the tiniest and silliest of differences can often cause the greatest culture shock.

In many ways, when you relocate, you become a “newbie” – like a Freshman in college who used to have the “Senior” status, knew everything, felt popular, and all of a sudden, you got demoted.  Now, all that knowledge you have, all that expertise about some other place, is meaningless.  Not only does it seem to have no value to others, it has little or no value to you.  Knowing your way around town in Salt Lake City isn’t going to help you if you’re now living in Istanbul.  Your great friends from sewing class in New York aren’t with you now that  you moved to San Francisco, and so forth.

One of the things that can happen, when you move someplace new, is that you get stuck in fear.  Perhaps it’s fear of trying to speak a foreign language and making a mistake.  Perhaps it’s fear of all the things you have to do to settle in to a new home.  All the unknown and all the fear can lead to you entering into a rut where nothing is happening, and you can’t seem to take any steps forward.

So, here’s a little visualization idea for you.  What in your life can you think of that represents the essence of fear for you, that you have overcome?  If you can hold on to that analogy, you may be able to entice yourself to take some forward ACTION steps towards the life you want.

Here’s my example for you.  I used to ski.  (I only say used to because I haven’t for a few years!) I would say I’m intermediate level.  I remember taking lessons, as a kid, with a ski instructor, Chris.  I had a huge crush on him.  Somehow, he got me to one of those slopes that is full of moguls – that’s it, no flat area, just bumps all the way down, and really steep.  I was absolutely petrified.  I froze.  There was no way I was going down that hill.  I think my legs started trembling in fear, and I felt paralyzed.  Chris somehow encouraged me to face the mountain sideways instead of head on.  So, instead of looking at the hill as something to ski DOWN, he had me look at it as something to ski ACROSS.  My heart beat fiercely every moment I had to turn around on the hill because, inevitably, I had to point my skis downard in the middle of the turn.  But, each time, I was able to make it around and keep going.

At some point on the journey, I stopped.  I still had a ways to go.  But I looked UP.  I realized I had already made it down a good part of that hill.  If I had made it that far, I could make it down the rest of the hill.  (And save face with Chris, who wouldn’t think I was a total whimp!)

So, now, if I’m confronting a hardship, some action I need to face that fills me with fear, I can visualize that ski slope, flooded with moguls.  I can see myself at the top of that hill, knowing that all I have to do is push off.  After that, I get to choose whether to bolt forward, or break the issue down into side steps.  Either way, I’m still taking an action to get out of a rut.

So, what’s your vision?

I don’t know if anyone else out there is a fan of the series “Charmed”?  Well, I still like it, what can I say – I’m a fan of magic and possibilities!  Quick synopsis for those who have no idea what I’m talking about – 3 sister witches who battle evil to save the world, and date demons along the way.  (Don’t we all do that, LOL!?)  So on a recent episode, I thought there was an interesting correlation to Accompanying Spouses in the culture transition process.  In this episode, Cole, who is a demon one of the witches is dating, loses his powers.  He is half demon, half human, and due to an “accident”, he loses his demon powers, and becomes fully human.  As a demon, he was able to “shimmer” (call it teleport) anywhere he wanted.

As he accepts this change within himself, he goes for a walk, and on the way home, realizes he can no longer shimmer home, and walking home takes a lot longer!  He says, “I’ev always been a demon, that’s all I know.”

Now, I’m not trying to compare working to being a demon! (though I’m sure we feel like one on some occasions) but for an Accompanying Spouse who relocates to a country where they can no longer work, the transition can be quite difficult.  Especially if your job has defined who you are and you suddenly don’t have one – you will confront an identity challenge.

On this particular episode of “Charmed”, the witch dating Cole tries to have a romantic date night with him, but he is so lost in his transition that he tries to brainstorm ideas of everything they should worry about and how to tackle it, so he cannot be in the moment with his girflfriend.  In a marriage, going through this transition will also cause some challenges that each partner needs to be aware of.  It’s important to not only expect the challenges, but also to prepare some ways to handle it.  Here are a few suggestions:

1. The Accompanying Spouse, if he or she cannot work, should, as best as possible, try to commit to creative ways to create income, or, look at alternate ways to provide for the family.
2. As the ego steps in, during the process, the Expat (the partner who is working) should be prepared to talk openly, and also be aware of any changes in how you view your partner, who was once a provider, and may now be a dependent
3. Consider money issues before you move – how will you handle them
4. Make joint goals together – perhaps non-financial related – and remember to CELEBRATE when you accomplish them.  Also check in on goals you have now, and check whether any of them need to be re-prioritized or shifted, to avoid disappointment going forward.

These are just a few ideas to get you started, but as a couple, you should work together to figure out what methods you can put in place to be sure each partner feels heard, each partner remains committed to marriage goals, and there is some outlet for fun and nurturing your relationship.

* For more ideas on successfully transitioning cultures and avoiding relocation depression, click here! *

Welcome back to Culture Transition Tip Tuesday!

Here is Tip #7

It’s Culture Transition Tip Tuesday again!

Here is tip #4

It’s “Culture Transition Tip Tuesday” again! 

Here is Tip #2

Welcome to my new series  ”Culture Transition Tip Tuesdays”! 

For the next 10 weeks, I’ll feature a 1 – 2 minute video tip for you to successfully transition cultures.  I hope you enjoy the videos, and I welcome your feedback!

Here is tip #1:

Relocating to a new place unfortunately brings the likelihood that you may feel depressed once in a while for a myriad of reasons I’ve mentioned before on my blog.  We can never have enough strategies to beat depression so here are a few tips in case you’re in the blues:

1. Get outside.  Feel the fresh air on your face, even if it’s raining or snowing, just go outside and be reminded that there is life outside your door.
2. Pet a dog. (Or cat, or horse…) Somehow, animals are magic when it comes to depression, and spending just a few minutes with the animal of your choice can work wonders.  If you’re allergic, take a Claritin or whatever your favorite allergy medecine is and find an animal to pet!  Don’t have one or live near someone who does? Find the nearest pet shop and ask to hold a dog or cat even for a few minutes!  No pet shop?  Try an animal shelter.
3. Do one thing on your to-do list.  It doesn’t matter how small – buy the tube of toothpaste you need, go to the coffee shop you’ve been meaning to try, wash the laundry – just do ONE thing.  Action steps help draw you forward and get out of the “I’m stuck” feeling.
4. Call or email a friend.  Pick one person, let them know what’s going on.  Don’t isolate yourself.  Try to unload one time, and promise yourself, and your friend, you’ll work on strategies to pull yourself out of the depression, starting the next time you contact him or her.
5. Throw out clutter.  The act of throwing out all those papers and boxes and whatever else is causing a mess is very therapeutic!

* Want to learn more ways to beat depression and settle in to a new culture? Check out The Personal Success Method! *