It’s Culture Transition Tip Tuesday again!

Here is Tip #10

I recently had the pleasure of being a volunteer Big Apple Greeter for two lovely new friends from France.  We spent much of the weekend together, saw lower Manhattan, the snow in Central Park, complete with skiers, snowmen, and sledders, a rare treat!

One of the great things I love about this volunteer opportunity is how it allows me to see New York with a fresh pair of eyes, getting to see someone else’s perceptions, what they find different, funny, weird, etc. and this visit helped me see some new cultural differences, some I knew, some were new.  As I think about it, these are also some of the “little” things that your mind takes in when you venture to a new place, and often have a huge impact on you initially.

1. France does not have “doggy bags”.  If you don’t finish your meal and ask to take the rest home, they will either laugh, or literally dump it into a bag! My guests made me take the takeout container out of its plastic bag so they could see it, and were amazed that we have containers prepared expressly for this purpose.  Imagine if you’re an American, and move to France, and ask for your food to go, and are met with this reaction, what would you do?
2. Subway entrances come in different shapes and sizes.  At some Manhattan stations, the only entrances available look like revolving doors.  My friends thought they were exits only, so left the station, but then saw other people going down and not returning, so figured out the doors were entrances, too.   What if you came to New York, needed to use the subway, and found you couldn’t get in because it seemed there were no turnstiles!  And, you’ve already bought your metro card!
3. Metro Cards are confusing.  If you don’t swipe them perfectly, you actually won’t be allowed into the subway.  And, if you don’t read English, you won’t be able to interpret the error message in front of you.  Did you know you could ask the subway agent for help?
4. There really is a Starbucks on almost every corner in Manhattan.  France only has one.   I prefer French coffee but my new French friends actually didn’t have disdain for the Starbucks coffee!

* For more ideas on adjustments to expect after relocating, *click here! *

My ultimate dream is to make a positive difference in people’s lives through coaching and charity. 

Culture Transition Coaching is about helping people overcome the biggest hurdles when they adjust to a new life in an unfamiliar place.  Specifically, the social, personal, and professional challenges you will be faced with the first 12 – 18 months, as well as career development beyond that.  

With the recent tragedies in Haiti and Chile, I wanted to do something more to make a difference.  So, for the month of March, I have decided to merge my two dreams into one – I want to help you, AND, help victims of these two tragedies.  So, during March, buy any Culture Transition Success product, and I will donate HALF, yes 50%, of your purchase price, to the American Red Cross.  Please spread the word! 

Simply visit www.culturetransition.com/products and I will acknowledge the donation after your purchase.

By now, hopefully you’ve had a chance to see the film “Avatar” at least once.  (I’ve seen it twice – once in IMAX 3D, incredible!)

I realized that this was the ultimate relocation experience – both physically and mentally.  So, I thought it would be interesting to analyze the film from this perspective.

When we’re first entering the film, the main character is relocating to another planet.  Even though the typical relocation stays on earth, it can feel like you’ve gone to another planet when you first arrive.  There are changes in nature, architecture, clothing and food to name a few.  Nothing on the terrain may feel familiar, leaving you feeling a bit alien to the culture, and perhaps experiencing culture shock.

Even if you do jump in and try to get going, like the main character in Avatar when he syncs with his Avatar, you will inevitably maintain the behaviors you’re accustomed to.  Jake Sully, in Avatar, knows how to be a fighter, use a gun, and be flippant.  When he jumps into his Avatar body, he goes right into “attack and defend” mode, as he was trained to do.  You may try to dress the same way, speak the same way, drive on the same side of the road, etc and find that you need to make some adjustments to fit in on your new “planet”.

We watch as Jake Sully learns the ways of the people of Pandora.  At first, he is fascinated, but keeps his flippancy, even trying to speak to the “tribe” when speech is forbidden to anyone who is not born or inducted into that tribe.  When you relocate, you must watch for cultural traditions and respect them.  This can be found in formailty of address, eye contact, etc.  Make sure you take the time to observe, and do your best to learn the ways of the culture you’re living in.  Notice that in the movie, Jake had no real allies.  Neytiri is forced, against her will, to train Jake, and everyone else scoffs at him as an outsider who will never succeed.  Eventually, Jake convinces Neytiri of his heart and interest, and once he wins her over, he is able to eventually be accepted into the tribe.  In a similar way, you may originally have a hard time making friends, or feel like an outsider who is not accepted.  Remember, you only need one friend to make a start – so focus on making just one friend or ally, and then let the rest fall into place after you relocate. Remember, too, the more willing you are to learn and adapt to the local customs and traditions, the easier and quicker your transition will be.

A funny thing begins to happen by the end of the film – Jake actually becomes his Avatar.  Now, while you may not necessarily become a citizen or a native of another country or culture, if you make the effort to learn their ways, and stay there long enough, you will eventually have a strong identity with them.  For anyone in this situation, if you eventually repatriate, you will find you have a difficult time because of how closely you identify with the culture you’ve assimilated to, making you feel like an outsider in what, previously, you considered home.

Inevitably, this could lead you to question “who am I?”  Is Jake a man, his Avatar, or both?  Crossing cultures is a complicated process, but sometimes it helps you discover wonderful parts of yourself you never would have found if you hadn’t taken the challenge.

I’m in the middle of a two-part vacation, and thought I’d share my experiences with you.

One of the things I advocate after you relocate, especially if you’re feeling depressed, or homesick, is to take care of yourself in a meaningful way. I treated myself to a partially silent meditation retreat at Kadampa Buddhist center the past few days, and it was phenomenal!

I didn’t know anything about Buddhism prior to this retreat, nor had I ever done a silent retreat, so everything was brand new. I spent several days at a retreat house “in the middle of nowhere” sharing a house with other retreaters, and Buddhist nuns and monks.  I did a combination of personal meditations, and a few shared ones, and dined on home-cooked, delicious vegetarian meals which somehow filled me up after only a few delicious bites. I enjoyed the time meeting new friends, and also amused at how some of the nuns and monks enjoyed hot sauce so their food. I nicknamed one of the monks “macho monk” as his name was especially difficult to remember! 

My experience in this wonderful community was somewhat like a cross-cultural experience, too. I met people from many different countries. I spent time getting to know monks and nuns and how they live their daily lives, what they believe in, what they wear, who they were before becoming ordained, learning about their values, etc.

Here are a few other  things I learned:

1. spending time in silence is not as scary or as difficult as it may sound. In fact, it was one of the most beneficial experiences I’ve ever had.
2. you do not have to shave your head or convert to a new religion to go on a retreat!
3. we think a lot about the junk food we eat and fill our bodies with, but we are often blind, deaf and dumb when it comes to what we fill our mind with.
4. you can learn a lot about yourself when you take the time to reflect, commit to leave your computer behind, go someplace where there is no cell phone service, and no noise!
5. worrying about problems serves no purpose – if a problem can be fixed, there’s no need to worry.  If it’s not fixable, then worrying won’t help. (This was a quote in my room, though the author was not mentioned, but I thought it was superb!)
6. watching snowflakes fall, I likened them to “the path of least resistance”. I never noticed before how when the wind is gentle, they all blow about on different paths, turning without hesitation when the wind changes direction, and each ending up in its own unique end.  It’s like they comfortably drift along, enjoying the ride, knowing they will reach their destination. (And if only I could achieve that ease one day!)

Our teacher, called Gen Samten, made a wonderful comparison of a vacation and a meditation retreat.  He said, when you go on vacation, you always get “PVDS” – Post-Vacation-Depression-Syndrome(!) but returning from a retreat, you come back with more insight.

Another quote I came across in a book by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso that I loved is this, “…we are just as likely to develop the qualities that really matter – such as wisdom, patience, and compassion – through our failures as through our successes.”

I wanted to share a bit of my experience (trying not to babble on or bore you!) to make the point that time away from all your perceived problems is an excellent way to focus inward, to find out what you really desire, what you really need, and it helps you return home with some changed perceptions that may help you improve whatever is most driving you crazy or making you angry. Perhaps Buddhism is not for you, or perhaps you don’t have a retreat facility nearby (by the way, this type of retreat is EXTREMELY inexpensive) or you don’t like the idea of sharing a bathroom, but if you have your own way to spend a few days “unplugged” in an unfamiliar environment, I highly recommed it.

Stay tuned for Part Two of my experience – “a hike from hell” that taught me some valuable lessons!

* Want more ideas on finding activities and taking care of yourself? Check out The Personal Success Method! *

Today is my grandfather’s birthday.  Were he still alive, he would have turned 100 today.  Though he passed 7 years ago, I still think about him often.  The way his blue eyes always illuminated whenever I came for a visit, and the way he was always proud of even the smallest things I did.  In fact, I realized that he is my inspiration for meeting new people and making new friends.

My grandpa, no matter where we were, had this amazing ability to appeal to everyone around him.  He would always smile, and want to get to know you, and make you feel like an important person.  In fact, when I would visit him in the hospital, he had made friends with the entire staff of doctors and nurses.  I was always in awe!

What he tought me is that a warm smile, a sincere question, and laughter, are simple, and important, steps whenever you want to meet someone new.

Because it is my grandfather’s inspiration that helped me create them, in honor of my his 100th birthday, I’m offering you 50% off either my “Learn to Feel at Home Anywhere in the World” program (gives you an introduction to the core steps of relocating and making friends, satisfying your personal/emotional needs, and adjusting to professional changes) or my “Social Success Strategies” eBook (which is a deep-dive into how and where to make new friends and create a new social network after relocating.)

Just use code GRAMPS100 at checkout.  Offer good through Sunday, October 11th, 2009.

Happy birthday grandpa, and may his inspiration equally help and inspire you to make more friends.

I’m taking a personal retreat in Sedona, Arizona where it is stunningly beautiful. Taking time out for yourself us essential after dealing with the stresses of relocating. It helps recharge the batteries, gets you back in touch with the things most meaningful to you and, hopefully let’s you meet new people. (I met 8 new people today!)

I’ve got a week full of adventure and time and look forward to what I might discover.