Fresh back from my vacation in France, I had a good laugh at a few cultural differences that highlight some of the key differences between our cultures.

In America, when it comes to service, we tend to be very helpful and forthcoming with information. There is a “Yes I can” attitude (though economic woes are changing that a bit).

In France, however, one should always brace for “non” as in “no, it’s not possible”, and often, information is only obtained, if it is asked for. As an example, I traveled back from France via London and was unsure whether I needed to do my detaxe/VAT refund in Paris or in London. So, I waited on line for the refund in Paris. The gentleman with customs who helped me, informed me that since England was to be the last country I was in prior to trraveling to the US, I should do the refund there. “Are you sure?” I inquired. (Yes, I really did dispute the customs agent’s information!)

“Yes,” he replied, “even though they don’t use the Euro, you have to do it there.”

“I just don’t want them to tell me I should have done it in France,” I implored.

“No problem,” he replied.

At this point, I could have walked away, thinking I had the right information, gotten on my flight, and seen what happened. Instead, I thought to ask, “One last question – as the customs agent will need to see the items I bought, and they are in my luggage with me now, which will be checked, and unavailable, when I get to London, do I still do the refund there?”

“Ah, non,” came the reply, “in this case,m as an exception, you must do it in Paris.”

The other fun part of customer service is, well, the lack of it. I upgraded to Buisness Class, and was sent to a special check-in area – “the speedy check-in” counter, available only for firstt class passengers. Ironically, it was packed – as packed as economy check-in. And, there were only 2 check-in agents available, one of whom was being trained. With only one hour till my flight, I realized I’d miss it. So, I approached another agent, inquiring whether I should worry. She replied, “No, madame, everyone on line with you has their flight in one hour as well.”

“So, then, my flight won’t leave wihtout me?” And this was my favorite part. She replied, “A priori, non” which basically means, “probably not.” She then told me to be patient.

Ironically, within 5 minutes, 6 more check-in agents appeared from thin air, getting us through check-in within moments.

I find the best thing you can do when traveling abroad or living abroad is to try an understand the mentality around service, and learn to leverage it. If I had screamed at the agent to get more check-in representatives, I’m quite sure she would have turned away and ignored me. By understanding that in France, for example, you will often encounter “non” as an answer to many requests for service, especially at an airport or government office, you can then learn how to get to “yes” by keeping calm.

Last night, I was at my local Japanese bar/restaurant and some of the employees from the Mexican restaurant next door dropped by.  We spoke some Spanish together, and I was amused by the recollection that one word, or even one tiny letter, can change your intended conversation to an insult, or earn you unexpected hysterical laughter! 

In Japanese, one letter wrong in “sushi” can lead to a highly uncomfortable conversation.

In English, forgetting the “l” in please might land you some green vegetables on your plate.

The same is true of expressions, where the wrong word, or misunderstanding its use, can lead to big mishaps, or people falling out of their seats:

A former French boss of mine, in a rather important meeting with some big VIPs, meant to use the American phrase, “The belly of the beast”.  But, instead, uttered, “from the bowels of the beast…” and could not comprehend why the whole room was full of side-splitting laughter.

I once learned the French expression “tarre”, in Eastern France, where it means “silly, amusing”.  So, when I was invited to stand up on a chair and give a speech at my host sister’s wedding, in Western France, and told everyone “you are all very tarre, and I love you!” I was quite surprised to learn that my host-brother-in-law refused to speak to me because I had inadvertantly insinuated that his mother was in a mental institution.  oops!

The point is, when you are easing your way into a new language, it’s so easy, even when you speak it well, to get a word, a letter, or a phrase incorrect.  This is why, as you transition cultures, you need to have a bit of a sense of humor and a sense of compassion with yourself, and with others, in any dialogue! 

Building on my last post about the growth in our knowledge of foreign languages, another concept that fascinates me is acronyms.  In American (yes, I am distinguishing American and English as those of you who are British out there, I’m sure agree needs to be done!) I am used to a plethora of 3 and 4 letter acronyms that pervade my life. 

There are the ones that represent organizations and places, such as “The Met” for The Metropolitan Museum of Art, but I’m referring more to the ones that have woven their way into our language and pop up, especially, in text messages, Instant Messages, emails, and so forth.

For example, LOL = Lots of Laughter, LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off.  TMI = Too Much Information….and the list goes on.

So, I don’t know why I should have been so amused, but when my French host family came for a visit, I was introduced to some of their acronyms which are used in the same vein.  It’s this bizarre experience where our languages have something very much in common, but yet, I had a bit of a giggle when they used expressions in French.  Here is one such example.

Camille, one of the 10-year old twin girls (my host niece), was holding my hand one evening as we walked to a restaurant for dinner.  She was hungry and a bit impatient, and asked me how much further we had to walk until we arrived at dinner. 

I responded, “Oh, Camille, actually, we’re not going to dinner right now.  I wanted you to see New York at night, so I’m going to walk you back and forth on every side street, till you’ve seen them all!  We should be done in a couple of days.”

Camille, who has the face of a darling angel, somehow managed to contort it into the perfect blend of synicism and devilish frustration and understanding, and popped out, in the perfect sarcastic tone, “Je meurs de rire.”  (I’m dying laughing.) 

After this phrase had been uttered the first time, I learned that it is referred to as “MDR”, and the remainder of our week contained the acronym “MDR” several times a day. 

Somehow, I feel like I got a little glimpse into a deeper understanding and knowledge of French language and culture, just with a new acronym.  A new phrase and acronym that I can pop out when someone in France tries to get the best of me.

A recent email exchange with my host sister went like this:

Me: “I have some very important news for you!  Remember that beer you introduced me to, Tripel Karmeliet?  I found it at a supermarket near my apartment for $3 less than we paid!”

My Host Sister: “Super!  Have a glass for us!”

Me: “I finished the whole bottle!”

My host sister: “MDR!”

So much can be said with so few words – bridging culture, experience, and friendship.

One of the tough things about moving to another country is learning a new language, as many of us know well!  You may be a grown man or woman, and being unable to ask basic questions, and ask for basic needs, can make you feel like a child all over again, which is doubly frustrating when you know you are able to communicate well in your own language.

On the flip side – once you learn a new language, it amazes me at how much learning there is, and how, years later, there is still more to learn past basic grammatical skills!  This was outlined for me this week during a wonderful visit from one of my French host families.  I’ve spoken French for over 25 years, and consider myself fluent in the language.  Not only can I hold my own, but I can make puns and understand movies without subtitles.  One of the interesting discussions I had with my host family is the “ne pas” in French.  For those who don’t know, French people often say things like “il ne fait pas chaud”, literally, “it’s not very hot out”.  There is an emphasis on the negative.  So, instead of saying “the food is good”, they would say, “the food is not bad”.

For years, I had presumed this was simply a cultural emphasis on the negative.  What I learned, all these years later, is that it is really about being in the middle!  In other words, the “it’s not” comes into play when it is neither hot, nor cold, for example.  If it’s freezing cold out, they would say “it’s freezing out!”  If the food is fantastic, you’ll hear “it’s delicious!”.  If it’s just ok, then “it’s not bad”. 

My point here is that language is of intimate importance when crossing cultures, and I guess I never realized how many levels of learning there are, and that the learning never ends!  There is the infant stage, where you learn “I am”, “I have”, “where’s the bathroom”, etc.  There is the middle ground where you don’t need to rely on your dictionary for every phrase, and you even dream in another language!  There’s the fluent stage, where you speak without thought, and can understand every situation.  And then, there is the wonderful part where you get to develop insight into a language, and a culture, by understanding how, and why, they communicate as they do.

So, if you’re in that infant stage, may you look forward to much learning!

DISCLAIMER: Let me begin this post by clarifying that this post is an attempt to question, and is not meant to offend anyone.  If it does, I apologize in advance.  I am using simply one or two personal incidents, but do not mean to imply these are the only incidents, or the only nationalities that behave this way, nor that everyone from any single culture behaves the same way.  I am a huge fan of people from all cultures, and of foreign language, and even practicing new and old ones anywhere I am!  So, this post is just an attempt to provide one viewpoint among many possible ones.

A recent event made me contemplate my experiences living and working in France where I encountered the term “The Ugly American”.  The way I learned it, it referred to what was considered an arrogant expectation that wherever in the world an American traveled, everyone should speak English, and there was no need to attempt to learn a local language.  I was so impacted by this image, and the desire to STOP perpetuating it, that it became an obsession of mine to learn foreign languages.  Though I have good working knowledge of six languages today, if I travel anywhere outside my comfort zone, I make it a point to memorize the phrase “do you speak English” in the local language, and bring a dictionary, and try to at least begin conversations in the host country language.

So, on a recent summer afternoon, when in Bryant Park, in New York City, I was quite struck by the following incident. I was waiting on a line (queue!) for the ladies room.  The line was fairly long, and the space rather small.  The bathroom attendant came around the line, yelled something in Spanish, then looked right at me and said, “Entiende?” as if I was stupid for not doing whatever it was she had just yelled.  Eventually, I, and the others in line with me, understood she was asking us to make more room for ladies exiting the bathroom.  However, the woman in front of me, who was from Atlanta, was quite perplexed – we commented that this would be quite normal if we were in any Spanish-speaking country, but as we were in New York, it surprised us that someone who was employed, therefore living in New York, would not be addressing us in English.  (Note, at Bryant Park, on any given day, the crowd is multinational, and probably no one understands the same language anyway!)

So, I wondered, have we reached a point where crossing cultures no longer means you are considered arrogant if you don’t learn and use the local language?  I know New York is a bit unique, and that our population is becoming increasingly Spanish-speaking as compared to other places, so this may be a unique issue.   I was equally surprised when I attended Jury Duty earlier this year.  Only citizens are allowed to perform this duty.  To become a citizen, you must either be born in the USA, or pass a citizenship test, after living here for a number of years. I had always presumed the citizenship test was administered in English.  So, when people selected for the same jury as me were questioned, and their eyes glazed over in confusion and they repeated, “no entiendo ingles”, I was again confused.  I can’t imagine going to another country and being granted citizenship without having at least a basic command of their language? After all, if the test were in their language, how would I otherwise pass it?

Again, this is post is not meant to insult, simply to question.   I am struck by the fact that Americans have been considered highly arrogant for crossing cultures and not making the effort to speak the local language.  So, having these experiences, I wondered if perhaps this stereotype had seen it’s final days, or whether Americans have perhaps perpetuated this image to such an extent that other cultures feel they should behave in the same fashion.  Or, perhaps so many people are now crossing cultures that domestic languages have less significance nowadays?

What are your thoughts on the subject?

For more information on learning local language and adapting to new cultures, click here.

When you move to a new country, it goes without saying (oops, a Pun!) that you will have to learn a new language.  Depending on your skills and personality, this could be easy or difficult.  It could take months, or it could take years.  But, how do you know that you’re comfortable, and well-versed in a language?

In my experience, there are a few signs when I know I, or someone else, is getting comfortable in a foreign language.  Here are some of the clues I’ve noticed:

• You wake up and realize you not only remember your dream, but it was in the language you’re studying!  This happened to me when I studied Japanese.  It means to me that your subconscious is absorbing the language and you are starting to “get it”
• You can hold a conversation with a total stranger for 30 minutes.  I observed one of my best friends doing this, after she told me she could hardly speak the language!  Being able to talk about “nothing” and “everything” with someone you don’t know is a sign that you’re comfortable enough to converse without a text book, and that your brain is starting to automate words and phrases rather than you consciously thinking of your words
• You can make jokes and “one-up” someone.  On one of my experiences living in France, I was at the dinner table with my host family.  It was the night after Bastille Day, during which I had gone to a Bastille Day dance in the town with a few members of my family.  My host brother, who had not joined us at the ball, took a sip of his soup, and asked me (in French, of course!) about the ball.  With his eyes cast down at his spoon, very seriously contemplating his spoon, he asked, “Did you dance with a monkey last night?”  I replied, “No, because you weren’t there.”  The entire table (and there were at least ten people) erupted with laughter and he practically dropped his soup spoon.  It was at that moment I realized I could keep up and surprise them, that made me understand I was as capable in French, as in English, of being a smart-a$$.

For those of you who have, or are, studied another language, what are the moments that you noticed you were comfortable speaking it?

I’ve been reading a wonderful book called, “The Art of Racing in the Rain” by Garth Stein.

The story centers around the life of the main character, but in an interesting twist, it is told through the eyes of his dog, Enzo.

What caught my attention in the story is the similarities of Enzo’s story to those of us who have every tried living in another country and been frustrated in our efforts to communiciate.

First, Enzo understands everything going on around him, but lacks the ability to talk back.  When you move to another country, if you don’t speak the language, you may feel a similar frustration, where you understand what everyone is saying, but you just can’t get the words out to reply, or say something, ANYTHING to let those around you know you get it.

Enzo is forced to rely on exaggerated gestures in his inability to speak.  If you’re in another country, and can’t rely on words, you, too will have to rely on another way to communicate, at least initially.  Whether it’s gestures, pointing to a dictionary, silly faces and pantomimes, pointing at things, etc – it may feel a bit degrading as you initially try to get your point across.

Sometimes, Enzo can’t get his point across.  There are moments in the story where tragic things happen and Enzo is unable to make those around him understand that he knows what has happened.  When words and gestures fail you in another country, the result can be aggravation, and even bouts of depression.  It’s enormously frustrating when you need to communicate something important and can’t seem to get your point across.

Enzo harps on humans and their listening skills.  There are many instances in the story where Enzo and his master are able to “speak” without words.  I can think of many examples in my own life when communication happened without words.  Sometimes, even in another country, the ability to listen – really listen – beyond the words, can help you understand a situation.

Frankly, I’ve always been fascinated with how some dogs seem to understand and communicate and they do it without words.  It’s in their gaze, the way they place their paw on you, their bark, their ears…I find it amazing that these companions can be so smart, and be an excellent reflection for anyone feeling the frustration of learning a new language.

As many of you may know, I feel it’s imperative that you make every effort to learn a new language if you’re moving to a new country.  However, let Enzo teach you a few good lessons while you’re at it:

1. Communication can happen without words
2. Gestures can sometimes be as effective as the words you are unable to say
3. You may feel silly while using gestures in place of words, but if you get your point across, isn’t that the most important?
4. Being able to really listen to someone – deeply, even beyond words – can sometimes have immeasurable value.  And, if you don’t speak the language, you’ll be able to really tune in to all the other ways of listening!

* Want more ideas and resources to learn a new language?  Check out the Personal Success Method *

In my last post, I told you about my adventure meeting and spending time with Mustang horses in Utah.  This is part 2 of my experience -

After getting comfortable in the energy and presence of a pack of Mustangs, I headed off to another horse for leadership training!  This part was a test for me to earn the respect of the horse with my own movement and confidence such that she would accept me as her pack leader.   I was put in another pen alone with one of the horses and given a large stick with a rope on the end and had to learn where and how to stand and waive my arms to make her change directions, run faster, and stop.  Based on my actions and confidence performing them, she accepted me as her leader, and bowed her head in respect.  I was amazed that such a huge and imposing animal was bowing her head to me.

During this period, Jasper had been watching me from her corral, right next to us, and was quite distressed.  You see, I had used my fingernails to scratch her cheeks, and apparently she wanted me to come back and scratch some more. (I learned that we are big toys for the horses, and they are quite good communicators when they want something!)  I soon went back in the corral with her, but another horse, Pinon, decided he’d like to sniff me and get to know me.  Well, Jasper would have none of this, and actually bit Pinon to make him go away!  I’ve never had a bodyguard, but if I did, Jasper would be my woman!  She was quite effective at both sheilding me, and keeping the other horses away from me.  When the threats to my attention were gone, she gave me each cheek to scratch.

Another lesson I learned is about horse’s lips.  I’ve tried to pet horses before but they open their mouths in a way that I presume means they are going to try and eat my hand, so I get afraid.  Well, it turns out, the upper lip is actually a bit like a hand!  The trainer showed me how, when I left my hand by the horses mouth, one of them actually extended her lip and it was as if she was petting my hand with it!  Turns out, this is how a horse lets you know he or she would like you to pet her!

The final activity was a “heart hug”.  I had to go alone into another pen with Topaz, one of the largest horses yet, and I was going to have to wrap my arms around her neck and stand heart to heart.  Here’s the thing, Topaz is huge.  If she took one step forward, she’d crush and kill me.  Ah, but the other thing is that this effort required me to stand in her blind spot, so it was very vulnerable for her as well.  I cannot describe accurately the bond that was formed with this activity.  It was so special to realize I had gone from complete fear at the beginning of this experience, to complete trust.  Topaz then lowered her head onto my shoulder.  It was such a loving gesture I practically cried. 

Here’s what this experience taught me:

1. Communication does not require words.  Boundaries, and needs can be understood by watching body language and actions. If you’ve moved to another country and don’t speak the language well, remember to use your instincts and body language if the local language is still foreign to you.
2. When you enter another culture, enter graciously and quietly.  Let “them” get to know you before you jump in and hug everyone. 
3. Be authentic wherever you are.  It’s always better to admit being uncomfortable or ask questions than pretending you know everything and that you feel confident when you don’t.
4. It made me realize that love is about blind faith, trust, and comfort in another person’s (or animal’s!) energy.

* If you’re struggling to learn a new language, consider spending time with animals and learning that communication goes beyond words.  It’s hugely inspiring! *

** For more ideas on learning languages, and finding activities you enjoy, check out The Personal Success Method! **

I’m just back from a fantastic retreat to Utah.  One of the things I did while there was an activity called “Meet the Mustangs”.  It is one of the most meaningful and fulfilling activities I’ve ever done in my life.  I learned far more than I ever expected to – about myself, and about language, communication and culture.

The idea of the program is quite robust.  If you vist http://www.windhorserelations.org/new/meet-the-mustangs you can read all about it. But it boils down to lessons on communication, leadership, and trust.

Prior to my experience last week, I hadn’t spent much time with horses.  My biggest memory is of riding a horse in summer camp, around the age of 12. We were walking down a trail and it stepped into a hole, lost its footing, and I ended up sitting upon its head, holding on for dear life.  I have been afraid of horses ever since.

So, you can imagine my fear and trepidation when the first thing I was asked to do was step inside a small pen with a giant Mustang, alone, and learn to approach it.  I was absolutely petrified, and hoped the program leader would open the door and rescue me.  Instead, she left me there, instructing me to walk aimlessly towards this massive animal and when I got near the horse, to slowly extend the back of my hand for her to sniff, and then to use the back of my hand to pet her. 

First test successful – she did not rear, kick me, or step on me, but she wasn’t very interested in me either. I pet her in a very timid fashion, and she seemed more interested in drinking her water.

I should preface this by telling you that Mustangs run wild in Utah.  There used to be 2 million of them, now there are only 30,000 because the government has decided to curb the population.  So, the ranch I went to had aquired these previously wild horses and gotten them accustomed to people.  Well, mostly, because they are still wild in nature, apart from a few born in captivity.

Next event – I went into a corral with about 8 horses.  This time I was not left alone, but that left me with small comfort.  There were 8 giant horses staring at me.  Did I mention they were huge? My heart beat with fear. I didn’t know whether to bolt out and jump over the fence, or to remain perfectly still so they wouldn’t trample me. I tried to remain calm.  I told my teachers everything I was feeling and they told me the horses felt the same way!  I got a lesson in authenticity – apparently the Mustangs feel safer with you if you act as you feel.  So, if you’re afraid, don’t pretend to be confident as this will spook the horses.  I literally stood in place, watching the horses as they ran around, or stood staring at me.  After a while, some of my fear dissipated, such that I was able to venture over to one and pet her – Jasper.  Some unseen barrier was broken when I did this.  I began to feel more at ease.  I watched the pack run around and picked the mare out – she was able to run among the pack without being pushed or nipped, and when she changed direction, so did the pack. I realized that the longer I stood in their presence, the more comfortable I felt.  The trainers told me that this is exactly how they train the horses – they get a chair and sit in the corral with the horses until they approach the trainer out of curiousity….

* Keep a lookout for Part 2 of my experience in a few days! *