Cultural Differences – Anger Sensitivities
I was reminded of a huge cultural difference between American and French culture on my recent vacation in France. (I told you, I’d be writing a bunch of posts about this, so bear with me!) Here it is – Anger Management.
In the US, when you have a problem, and you go to customer service for help – be it for a dispute with a phone bill, a return, unfair treatment, or anything inbetween – there is a pattern and escalation process we all learn. First, you state the problem. If the representative helping you doesn’t immediately help you, or remedy your situation, you raise your voice. If that doesn’t work, you request a supervisor – or, should I say, DEMAND, a supervisor. You re-state the issue, and start screaming. The louder you yell, and the higher you escalate, the more likely it is that you will get what you want. As if you are an angry child they will do anything to placate.
In France, however, if you have a problem, and if you start yelling, the effect is completely the opposite. You are ignored, treated like a 2-year old having a tantrum, and told “No, I can’t help you.” I had to remember this when I had an issue with my flight on the return home. When I phoned Air France in the evening, I got someone who, after a short conversation, told me she couldn’t help, right away. She didn’t offer me any solutions, no other numbers, nothing. I got upset, and she just repeated, “I can’t help you.” until I hung up. The following day, at the airport, I remembered the culture, took a deep breath, and smiled my way through one hour of discussions with an Air France representative, a check-in agent, and her supervisor. I remained calm, smiled, continuously thanked them for how helpful they were being, and they did what they could for me. But, that was a hell of a challenge! It’s pretty tough to tuck away years of cultural habits, even if you have to in order to get what you want.
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Tags: anger, dealing with anger, expat, foreign culture, france, French culture, United States, US
Interesting point. I don't know about France, but I can see how the difference has been highlighted. I am in America, and actually though many people I have seen upset with customer service may raise voice, yell and even shout unpleasant, vulgar and offensive things, I don't think this is 'good behavior'. I am also not sure that everyone who acts like this gets what they want. I recently had a problem with a reputable appliance company (our microwave caught fire, luckily we are ok). I spent a few hours a week for a few months on the phone with the customer service people.
Was I angry at what happened? Was I upset they never asked me if I was ok (even after explaining there was a fire inside the microwave? Was I upset they told me I would not get a replacement because 'the microwave was ok'? Yes, yes and more yes! But did I loose my cool and start yelling, shouting, or even swearing? No. I don't think I would have got the suitable final resolution if I acted like that. In the end through careful listening and crafting respectful responses on the phone and in writing- none of which showed offense to their side or a lack of respect for them on my side, we got the replacement -completely installed at no cost to us.
I don't think that 'to be American' or 'Americanize' oneself it's required to act that way. If it is, we indeed in America are in a sad state of affairs.
Hi Jennifer, I applaud your efforts! I'm sorry to say, perhaps you have been blessed not to witness it, but I have seen, many a time, in US department stores, and at places like TMobile, AT&T, etc. customers who, quite frankly, berate store employees with anger at their situation. A manager is brought in, and they try to resolve the customer issue – the more the customer yells, the more senior the manager that arrives, until the problem is resolved.
I witnessed this same type of behavior in France, at a train station, and the yelling customer was told repeatedly to calm down or he would not be helped. I don't think I've ever seen a US store manager say this to a customer.
Conversely, I think in comparing the US and France (and GENERALIZING ENORMOUSLY) , I notice a lot more comments like, "No", "I can't help you", "There's nothing I can do for you" happening very quickly in France, whereas in the US, there is more of an effort to help, or, if you can get to a 2nd line supervisor or above, you can generally find someone to help you get what you need – yelling or not!
I'm not saying I condone the yelling, by the way, just pointing out how differently the two cultures treat screaming customers, in my personal experiences.
You have demonstrated calmness, and also spent a lot of time and effort to talk to someone and then write a letter. Many people do not have the patience to do this, and when they get what they want by yelling at a store employee or manager, it only ellicits more yelling. Wait till the holidays! Step out to one of your local stores when there is a shortage of something, or a long line, I'd be surprised if you don't find a lot of yelling!
Good points. Thanks Heather. Actually I have heard that happening in UK too (what you refer in para 3). I heard in UK too for instance if you want to order in a restaurant… there are no substitutions… unlike here. The customer service is completely different.
That raises a whole other interesting phenomenon I have noticed in NYC! It's so weird, at American restaurants, often times, I'm told that either they cannot make a substititution, or there is an additional fee if I want one. But, should I venture into any ethnic restaurant here, they will basically make me whatever I want! For example, I LOVE chicken saag at Indian restaurants, and the rare times I have not seen it on a menu, if I have asked for it, they had no trouble making it for me. Same goes in Chinese and Japanese restaurants, they make it fairly easy to mix and match – add veggies, remove meats, etc. Not sure why the American restaurants make this all sound so complicated and difficult, but there you have it!
I wonder if the difference might stem to the fact that in America we are so focused on the customer, the customer is always right, companies don't want to be sued, etc. I've always found being nice and polite to have better results. Of course it might seem that yelling gets results faster but maybe the manager just comes to try and deal with the situation and get the person out of there ASAP or make sure they don't make a scene and scare off potential customers.
I've also always heard that in France it's better to be a little rude than nice, with waiters for example. Is there any truth to that in your experience?
Hi – the fact that the US is a much more litigious society than France plays a DEFINITE role in behaviors – I have that discussion a lot with Friends in France. In the US, fear of being sued seems to drive everything. In France, it's everyone for him/herself. Regarding the rudeness, I never heard that. I have heard of people in France being rude, and sometimes encountered that, but, frankly, New Yorkers are reputed for being rude, too, so I think that's maybe a "big city stereotype" that is not always true. Some people are rude, some are nice, but I would never be intentionally rude anywhere in the world. In fact, I find waiters in France quite nice, except in very touristy locations. And, if you are rude to them, you can forget about ever getting your order, so I wouldn't bother! Instead of being rude to them, you would have to just leave.
Talking about rude vs. polite- I have a thought to share. I was asking my Japanese client about getting their car serviced at a particular dealer. I recommended a different dealer, though it was farther away, I told her it's worth it. She asked why, and I said 'they are more friendly at the other dealership. The dealer you go to are known for being rude." She said insightfully, "Unless they are overtly rude, I don't understand American culture enough yet to understand subtle rudeness."
That really made me think.
oooh, that IS a good one, and it goes along with the motto I made for myself last week, "It's only a problem if you think it's a problem"!
As my grandma would say "You catch more bees with honey than with vinegar."
The Middle East is similar to France – losing your temper will get you nowhere as it's seen as very rude behavior. In fact in Dubai there were many cases of expats who were arrested, jailed and deported for swearing or rude gestures!
I love that expression! Go grandma! I have to say, as an "innocent bystander" in different countries, witnessing displays of anger, it's a bit surreal how people in one country respond to it by caving in and almost rewarding the behavior, and people in another country react to the person like a deranged 2-year old in the middle of a temper tantrum! (No matter how old they really are….)