Fresh back from my vacation in France, I had a good laugh at a few cultural differences that highlight some of the key differences between our cultures.

In America, when it comes to service, we tend to be very helpful and forthcoming with information. There is a “Yes I can” attitude (though economic woes are changing that a bit).

In France, however, one should always brace for “non” as in “no, it’s not possible”, and often, information is only obtained, if it is asked for. As an example, I traveled back from France via London and was unsure whether I needed to do my detaxe/VAT refund in Paris or in London. So, I waited on line for the refund in Paris. The gentleman with customs who helped me, informed me that since England was to be the last country I was in prior to trraveling to the US, I should do the refund there. “Are you sure?” I inquired. (Yes, I really did dispute the customs agent’s information!)

“Yes,” he replied, “even though they don’t use the Euro, you have to do it there.”

“I just don’t want them to tell me I should have done it in France,” I implored.

“No problem,” he replied.

At this point, I could have walked away, thinking I had the right information, gotten on my flight, and seen what happened. Instead, I thought to ask, “One last question – as the customs agent will need to see the items I bought, and they are in my luggage with me now, which will be checked, and unavailable, when I get to London, do I still do the refund there?”

“Ah, non,” came the reply, “in this case,m as an exception, you must do it in Paris.”

The other fun part of customer service is, well, the lack of it. I upgraded to Buisness Class, and was sent to a special check-in area – “the speedy check-in” counter, available only for firstt class passengers. Ironically, it was packed – as packed as economy check-in. And, there were only 2 check-in agents available, one of whom was being trained. With only one hour till my flight, I realized I’d miss it. So, I approached another agent, inquiring whether I should worry. She replied, “No, madame, everyone on line with you has their flight in one hour as well.”

“So, then, my flight won’t leave wihtout me?” And this was my favorite part. She replied, “A priori, non” which basically means, “probably not.” She then told me to be patient.

Ironically, within 5 minutes, 6 more check-in agents appeared from thin air, getting us through check-in within moments.

I find the best thing you can do when traveling abroad or living abroad is to try an understand the mentality around service, and learn to leverage it. If I had screamed at the agent to get more check-in representatives, I’m quite sure she would have turned away and ignored me. By understanding that in France, for example, you will often encounter “non” as an answer to many requests for service, especially at an airport or government office, you can then learn how to get to “yes” by keeping calm.

At last – finally The New York Times has realized that expat spouses are important enough to write about, as is the loss of revenue to companies who do not take care of their happiness on an expat assignment.

Click here to read the full article – you need to read this!

Last night, I was at my local Japanese bar/restaurant and some of the employees from the Mexican restaurant next door dropped by.  We spoke some Spanish together, and I was amused by the recollection that one word, or even one tiny letter, can change your intended conversation to an insult, or earn you unexpected hysterical laughter! 

In Japanese, one letter wrong in “sushi” can lead to a highly uncomfortable conversation.

In English, forgetting the “l” in please might land you some green vegetables on your plate.

The same is true of expressions, where the wrong word, or misunderstanding its use, can lead to big mishaps, or people falling out of their seats:

A former French boss of mine, in a rather important meeting with some big VIPs, meant to use the American phrase, “The belly of the beast”.  But, instead, uttered, “from the bowels of the beast…” and could not comprehend why the whole room was full of side-splitting laughter.

I once learned the French expression “tarre”, in Eastern France, where it means “silly, amusing”.  So, when I was invited to stand up on a chair and give a speech at my host sister’s wedding, in Western France, and told everyone “you are all very tarre, and I love you!” I was quite surprised to learn that my host-brother-in-law refused to speak to me because I had inadvertantly insinuated that his mother was in a mental institution.  oops!

The point is, when you are easing your way into a new language, it’s so easy, even when you speak it well, to get a word, a letter, or a phrase incorrect.  This is why, as you transition cultures, you need to have a bit of a sense of humor and a sense of compassion with yourself, and with others, in any dialogue! 

Building on my last post about the growth in our knowledge of foreign languages, another concept that fascinates me is acronyms.  In American (yes, I am distinguishing American and English as those of you who are British out there, I’m sure agree needs to be done!) I am used to a plethora of 3 and 4 letter acronyms that pervade my life. 

There are the ones that represent organizations and places, such as “The Met” for The Metropolitan Museum of Art, but I’m referring more to the ones that have woven their way into our language and pop up, especially, in text messages, Instant Messages, emails, and so forth.

For example, LOL = Lots of Laughter, LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off.  TMI = Too Much Information….and the list goes on.

So, I don’t know why I should have been so amused, but when my French host family came for a visit, I was introduced to some of their acronyms which are used in the same vein.  It’s this bizarre experience where our languages have something very much in common, but yet, I had a bit of a giggle when they used expressions in French.  Here is one such example.

Camille, one of the 10-year old twin girls (my host niece), was holding my hand one evening as we walked to a restaurant for dinner.  She was hungry and a bit impatient, and asked me how much further we had to walk until we arrived at dinner. 

I responded, “Oh, Camille, actually, we’re not going to dinner right now.  I wanted you to see New York at night, so I’m going to walk you back and forth on every side street, till you’ve seen them all!  We should be done in a couple of days.”

Camille, who has the face of a darling angel, somehow managed to contort it into the perfect blend of synicism and devilish frustration and understanding, and popped out, in the perfect sarcastic tone, “Je meurs de rire.”  (I’m dying laughing.) 

After this phrase had been uttered the first time, I learned that it is referred to as “MDR”, and the remainder of our week contained the acronym “MDR” several times a day. 

Somehow, I feel like I got a little glimpse into a deeper understanding and knowledge of French language and culture, just with a new acronym.  A new phrase and acronym that I can pop out when someone in France tries to get the best of me.

A recent email exchange with my host sister went like this:

Me: “I have some very important news for you!  Remember that beer you introduced me to, Tripel Karmeliet?  I found it at a supermarket near my apartment for $3 less than we paid!”

My Host Sister: “Super!  Have a glass for us!”

Me: “I finished the whole bottle!”

My host sister: “MDR!”

So much can be said with so few words – bridging culture, experience, and friendship.

One of the tough things about moving to another country is learning a new language, as many of us know well!  You may be a grown man or woman, and being unable to ask basic questions, and ask for basic needs, can make you feel like a child all over again, which is doubly frustrating when you know you are able to communicate well in your own language.

On the flip side – once you learn a new language, it amazes me at how much learning there is, and how, years later, there is still more to learn past basic grammatical skills!  This was outlined for me this week during a wonderful visit from one of my French host families.  I’ve spoken French for over 25 years, and consider myself fluent in the language.  Not only can I hold my own, but I can make puns and understand movies without subtitles.  One of the interesting discussions I had with my host family is the “ne pas” in French.  For those who don’t know, French people often say things like “il ne fait pas chaud”, literally, “it’s not very hot out”.  There is an emphasis on the negative.  So, instead of saying “the food is good”, they would say, “the food is not bad”.

For years, I had presumed this was simply a cultural emphasis on the negative.  What I learned, all these years later, is that it is really about being in the middle!  In other words, the “it’s not” comes into play when it is neither hot, nor cold, for example.  If it’s freezing cold out, they would say “it’s freezing out!”  If the food is fantastic, you’ll hear “it’s delicious!”.  If it’s just ok, then “it’s not bad”. 

My point here is that language is of intimate importance when crossing cultures, and I guess I never realized how many levels of learning there are, and that the learning never ends!  There is the infant stage, where you learn “I am”, “I have”, “where’s the bathroom”, etc.  There is the middle ground where you don’t need to rely on your dictionary for every phrase, and you even dream in another language!  There’s the fluent stage, where you speak without thought, and can understand every situation.  And then, there is the wonderful part where you get to develop insight into a language, and a culture, by understanding how, and why, they communicate as they do.

So, if you’re in that infant stage, may you look forward to much learning!

If you find yourself relocating alone and feel lonely or on your own, I cannot recommend enough the power of a local restaurant offering the possibility of dining at the bar.

For some reason, Japanese restaurants offer the most welcoming of bar dining experiences in many places I have traveled. Not only do you of course get to enjoy watching the sushi chefs preparing meals, but you’re very likely to find either another lone diner, or else other people very open to a conversation outside their party.

I found myself alone for dinner one recent evening in San Francisco, so chose a recommended Japanese place (Sanraku, if you are in the area!) and sat at the bar. At some point into my meal, I ended up meeting two gentlemen at the other end of the bar who were both well traveled and multi-lingual, so we had much in common, and much to share.

The beauty of this is that you stop focusing on feeling alone because you are instantly connected to other people. Even if you don’t end up the best of friends, or ever speak or see one another again, this is a wonderful way to surround yourself with the possibility of shifting from lonely thoughts to being more connected.

The crisis in Egypt reminds me how difficult it is to be an Expat, living away from home, during a time of unrest, and worried about the safety of loved ones still there.  I remember being stuck in Australia on September 11th.  I will never forget it, and the feelings of helplessness that go along with being far from home, and unable to know if family and close friends are ok.

Even if your Expat experience is going very well, moments like this can throw you for a loop.  You can’t predict them, and if you don’t have a way to stay in reliable contact with loved ones, and you can’t be with them, you may feel homesick.

So, what do you do to handle times like this?  Here are a few suggestions, and feel free to add your own -

• If you are able to connect with anyone from home, make immediate plans and backup plans, on how best to communicate.  Get clear information on whether or not telephones, cell phones, internet connection, etc are available to them, and what their emergency plans are.
• If you can’t connect with anyone from home, make a list of other friends and family you have in other places, and reach out to them to see if they have heard from your loved ones.  If they have, ask them to keep you informed should they hear anything further.
• See if there is a local Embassy, Consulate, Meetup Group or any other kind of formal gathering of people from your home nation.  Join their events to connect with other people sharing the same concerns as you, and to stay up-to-date on events.
• Monitor your stress and make sure you find an outlet for it

I recently spent some time in Florida and had to laugh at how New York has set my expectations of a manicure/pedicure experience.

In Manhattan, you can find a nail salon almost more easily than a Starbucks. Almost any place you choose is fairly decent and it’s rare to find a salon nowadays without a staff that’s also trained in massage and waxing. One of the most enjoyable parts of the experience is the hand and foot massage complete with lotion and a hot towel to seal in the moisture and wipe off excess lotion.

So, it came as a bit of a surprise in Florida that nail salons are harder to find, and they are not as meticulous. Most shocking to me is that after massaging lotion into my hands and arms I am asked to get up, walk over to the sink, and wash the lotion off! And this is despite the fact that they use a warm towel to wipe off your legs after a pedicure.

Though I realize these examples are a bit trite, those of you relocating for the first time need to be aware of how the tiniest and silliest of differences can often cause the greatest culture shock.

I recently cut my finger out of sheer stupidity while making a handbag.  I had to go to the Emergency Room for stitches (happily I’m ok!), and since none of my closest friends/family were nearby, I had to get there by myself.  Luckily, I was able to joke around with the doctors, which took some of the edge of my fear off, but the experience got me thinking about those of you who are in another country, where a different language is spoken.

I’ve mentioned before that there simply is no way around the need for learning the language of your host country if you want to fit in.  Medical experiences are one of the things that can really make or break a stay in another country.  Imagine you injure yourself, or are in pain, or have some other ailment.  All your friends are the same nationality as you because you haven’t felt comfortable enough with your language skills to try and meet local people, so you have to go the hospital or doctor by yourself, or with another person who also doesn’t speak the local language.  Once you get there, you are at a complete loss of words – so now your body is suffering, and you can’t even explain what’s wrong.  Or, you manage to explain it, and then the doctor tells you something, and you have no idea what he/she said.

One of my good friends had this happen to her in Germany – her husband was fortunately able to take her (he is German) – but he took control of the conversation for her, relaying everything in German with the doctor, and she felt a bit powerless having to leave it to her husband to communicate for her, and having very little comprehension of what they were discussing.

This is just one of many reasons to learn a foreign language.  And, to anyone out there that says, “Sure, but I’m not good at languages,” you learned the one you’re speaking now, so you are obviously better than you think!

* For some helpful strategies to learn a new language, click here. *

I recently had a fascinating discussion with several people from several different countries.  It was about “the truth”.  The essence of our conversation revolved around what the truth is because each of us will define a single moment, event, thing, etc a different way.  We considered a napkin on our table – it could be described as folded, white, beige, dirty, crinkled, a tissue, and more.  Each of us was describing the same napkin in a different way, but all ways could be considered truthful.  So, we came to an agreement that the definition of the truth would be the convergence of where we all see the same thing – whether that might be the color of the napkin, in this case, and that it was folded.

That got me thinking about crossing cultures.  Often times, one of the core challenges we face as an expat is how different our truth is from our new neighbors.  This can happen with things like hand gestures or greetings – in the place you come from, a handshake is perhaps normal and expected, but in another place, it could be hugely insulting if their truth is that touching is reserved for intimate relationships, or that only the right hand can be used, and you offer your left.  It can happen with conversation – where your language and culture are more casual, and your new culture demands more formality.

The place I get bent out of shape over “the truth” is where we DON’T accept one another’s truths.  Consider religion, as one big example. It seems to me that each of us has our own personal truth – whether that be religious practice, how we eat, political affiliation, etc.  Each of us is convinced that our way is the right way – our truth is THE truth.  Is it just the human condition that “forces” us to move from accepting different truths, to changing them?  What I mean is, again, in the example of religion – if one person is Jewish, another Catholic, and another Muslim – why is it that we cannot agree to follow a different belief system, and let one another do so, instead of forcing one another to convert? (I know, religion is a BIG can of worms…)

I realize that this discussion may be a bit “deep”, but the repercussions of how we each behave, based on our own truths, when transitioning cultures, or dealing with different cultures, seems hugely important.  What are your thoughts?