As some of my readers know, I adore cows due to the many great experiences I’ve had with them.  Just by watching their behavior, I find I can learn many interesting things.

Last Labor Day weekend, I wrote an article about the lessons they taught me about friendship and I’d like to add on to my learning again following this Labor Day weekend.

This year, my neighbor Upstate was cow-sitting for two cows, that I believe are Herefordshires.  I visited them every day for three days in the hopes of petting them.  Though they never did come close enough to me to touch, they did venture nearby.  Here are the lessons I mused upon.

1. Even among female cows, there is an alpha female.  She is the leader, and the other one simply follows, with a respectable distancebetween she and the alpha female.  Only the alpha female initiates a change in behavior, placement, or activity.  If you are trying to make new friends, how will you be more effective?  As the alpha/leader, or as the follower?  In different cultures, there may be a different answer.  Generally speaking, though, if you take initiative and action by changing your routine and bravely approaching the strangers at an event or class, you are more likely to make a new friend than if you hang back and wait for someone else to come over to you. 
2. If someone tries to reach out to you to be friends, try not to be too shy.  I have a lot of patience with cows, and am willing to try lots of different ideas to get their attention, and then patiently wait for them to come over to me.  Each day I spent about 30 minutes with them, talking to them, asking how the grass tasted, beckoning to them with promises to scratch their cheeks (which actually seemed to get their attention because the alpha female stepped closer to me each time I scratched my own cheek to illustrate to her what I would do for her!).  I have no doubt that if I were able to visit them for more than just a few minutes over a few days, they would have gotten the nerve up to sniff me and perhaps even pet them.  But, in our human world, people may not be so patient if you keep at a distance when they try to get to know you.  It may be natural to do so at first, but if you’re going to make friends you may need to make a large effort to step outside your “shy zone” and approach people when they reach out to you.
3. Respect local customs and learn how to communicate.  Another perspective I considered with the cows is that I was venturing into their field.  They spent their days munching on grass, lounging, and sleeping.  Then some strange girl (me!) comes over and starts making funny noises, waving, and seems to want something from them.  As the visitor in a new culture, you need to spend some time observing behaviors, routines, and traditions to fit in.  Even if you’re not accustomed to doing some of these activities, you may have to try them.  Most importantly, you need to learn how to communicate.  Usually, this involves learning a new language, but actions are equally important.  I noticed the alpha female cocked her ears when I spoke, and both cows responded more curiously to higher tones in my voice, and a bit to my hand signals beckoning them closer.  Gestures, and body language are just as important to learn when making new friends as is the local language.

* For more ideas on making new friends, click here! *

Yesterday, I spent part of my day in silent meditation, and the afternoon reading a book, which felt like a luxury that I am always putting off because I am “so busy”.  This day got me thinking about the transitions we face when relocating, and how much time is spent DOING things – packing, unpacking, closing and opening a bank account, legal matters, subscriptions, and so forth.  The, after the initial settling in period is over, we bustle about trying to find friends, activities, places, some way to fit in, and truly feel settled.  Then, when we’re finally settled, we run to all our activities, rush to meet our friends, and race to train stations and airports to visit other places.

It’s no wonder, then, that wherever we are, life may feel stressful, and time may seem a resource there is not enough of.  So, in the hopes of insipring those of you that feel this way, I was reminded today of how to both enjoy, and slow down, time.

Meditation practice, especially silent, allows the body, mind, and spirit to just BE.  Whether for a few minutes, or a few hours, this joyous process can remind you of how important it is to nurture yourself – body, mind, and soul.  Now, it may be frustrating at first, or perhaps, after a while, frustrating to just sit, but I find that it forces me to slow down.  I actually notice my body – what’s ok, what’s in pain, what hunger feels like as opposed to thinking I am hungry because it’s “lunchtime”.  I ventured out into the world, taking my silent practice with me.  I was among many people on the streets of New York, but spoke to no one.  In fact, I shied away from it, so as to prolong my bubble of silence.  I observed, I noticed, but I did not speak.  Time did not matter, activities did not matter, I was keenly aware of what my mind and body wanted, and simply followed.  Ambling along until my hunger forced me to respond.

Amazingly, what felt like an entire day, well-spent, long, and enjoyable, was only a few hours long.  And, when I returned home to prepare Cauliflower Soup (from scratch! yum!) I was amazed that the day was still young when I had finished.  I closed my eyes for a while and just breathed.  Then I opened them and read.  And by the end of this day, that felt many days long, it was still only 5pm!  Instead of feeling my normal “I haven’t finished all I need to, I haven’t done enough!” I had a sense of calm fulfillment at just being.  It didn’t matter what I did and did not do, my body was embracing my mind and thanking me for slowing down and noticing one another.

So, for anyone out there in need of a slower day, or even those of you who think you don’t, try to spend a few hours simply BEING, letting go of your to-do list, just breathe, and exist!

* For more ways to handle the personal changes that impact you after relocating, click here! *

This week, I had the honor of presenting  a workshop called, “How to Ace Your Interview Through Positive Self Perception” for a wonderful organization called Career Gear.  Career Gear helps men with difficult pasts to build brilliant futures. 

I found some of my feelings about this experience similar to transitioning cultures.  I’ve never been in a roomful of people before that have pasts including crime and incarceration, who have worked very hard to turn their lives around.  So, I had no idea what to expect.  I guess my experiences crossing cultures have taught me, first and foremost, that pre-judgments do more to hurt you than help you, and I walked into the room expecting simply mutual respect.  Well, it turned out that these men were simply brilliant – they were sensitive, had fantastic questions (in fact, so many that they asked me to come back a second time so I could continue my workshop!) and really help one another out.

I have to say that this experience made me proud to be a coach, to be able to help these guys look at their own self-perceptions, and actually shift them, was an entirely rewarding experience.  We covered a lot of ground on the interview experience – one of the things that seemed most fascinating is that we all find the interview process a challenge!  There will always be a question that we’re not comfortable with, regardless of our past, and normalizing this common feeling seemed inspiring.  (For those of you out there that may be interviewing in the US job market, one of the facts that got their attention, that might help you, is that these days your resume won’t even make it in the door unless you find the hiring manager, and properly keyword your resume.  Sending emails to the address in a job ad will land your resume in the trash, sadly.)

When we talk about transitioning cultures, we normally think about crossing countries, or even cities.  But this experience taught me how fundamental the concept of “culture” can be.  Even right within your own town, there are likely to be many cultures, existing side by side.  We may focus on the language and country ones, but I find it fascinating that culture can also apply to your background, your values, corporations, etc - and the challenges that create hardship when trying to relate can fall away with a simple tweak in perception.  I am sure that those of you reading this who are Expats or Accompanying Spouses have some experience that you approached in a specific way that caused an issue.  And then, when you changed how you looked at that same situation, you probably had an entirely different outcome.  If you apply this same principle to crossing cultures – namely changing your perception, you are likely to have a lot more success adapting to new countries, new jobs, and more!

* Need a presenter for your workshop on career or culture transition experiences?  Contact me for more information. *

A recent article in The New York Times suggests that when we seek a new job we battle a difficult dilemma – big paycheck, or do something we love?  There are some fascinating points about how earning more money does NOT necessarily mean being more happy.  And, the article ends concluding that anyone who is earning a big salary, but unhappy in their work, isn’t really successful.

Is this a dilemma faced by other cultures as well?  I have experienced more focus on quality of life in other cultures, than I have in America – at least if I look at big cities in America.  How do different cultures measure success – is it the type of work you do, the money you bring home, the quality of your life and friends….?

And, why is it, in America at least, that we don’t focus more on the idea that we can do what we love AND earn a decent salary doing it?  Believing in ourselves, and in this possibility, might make the job search a completely different experience! 

What do you think?

I don’t know if anyone else out there is a fan of the series “Charmed”?  Well, I still like it, what can I say – I’m a fan of magic and possibilities!  Quick synopsis for those who have no idea what I’m talking about – 3 sister witches who battle evil to save the world, and date demons along the way.  (Don’t we all do that, LOL!?)  So on a recent episode, I thought there was an interesting correlation to Accompanying Spouses in the culture transition process.  In this episode, Cole, who is a demon one of the witches is dating, loses his powers.  He is half demon, half human, and due to an “accident”, he loses his demon powers, and becomes fully human.  As a demon, he was able to “shimmer” (call it teleport) anywhere he wanted.

As he accepts this change within himself, he goes for a walk, and on the way home, realizes he can no longer shimmer home, and walking home takes a lot longer!  He says, “I’ev always been a demon, that’s all I know.”

Now, I’m not trying to compare working to being a demon! (though I’m sure we feel like one on some occasions) but for an Accompanying Spouse who relocates to a country where they can no longer work, the transition can be quite difficult.  Especially if your job has defined who you are and you suddenly don’t have one – you will confront an identity challenge.

On this particular episode of “Charmed”, the witch dating Cole tries to have a romantic date night with him, but he is so lost in his transition that he tries to brainstorm ideas of everything they should worry about and how to tackle it, so he cannot be in the moment with his girflfriend.  In a marriage, going through this transition will also cause some challenges that each partner needs to be aware of.  It’s important to not only expect the challenges, but also to prepare some ways to handle it.  Here are a few suggestions:

1. The Accompanying Spouse, if he or she cannot work, should, as best as possible, try to commit to creative ways to create income, or, look at alternate ways to provide for the family.
2. As the ego steps in, during the process, the Expat (the partner who is working) should be prepared to talk openly, and also be aware of any changes in how you view your partner, who was once a provider, and may now be a dependent
3. Consider money issues before you move – how will you handle them
4. Make joint goals together – perhaps non-financial related – and remember to CELEBRATE when you accomplish them.  Also check in on goals you have now, and check whether any of them need to be re-prioritized or shifted, to avoid disappointment going forward.

These are just a few ideas to get you started, but as a couple, you should work together to figure out what methods you can put in place to be sure each partner feels heard, each partner remains committed to marriage goals, and there is some outlet for fun and nurturing your relationship.

* For more ideas on successfully transitioning cultures and avoiding relocation depression, click here! *

One of the natural things to do when you’ve relocated and are missing everyone back home, is to take a trip back there.  You get all excited about being able to eat at your favorite restaurants, know directions without having to ask anyone or look at a map, and of course, about seeing your best friends and your family.  Once you return home, however, the experience can be very different than you expect.  Whether you meant to or not, you have no doubt changed in subtle ways as a result of relocating to a new culture.  You may suddenly find that behaviors you once found normal or didn’t think about now bother you.  Perhaps you notice that everyone dresses funny, and you realize you used to dress that way, too, and so it hits you as very odd to be criticizing habits and trends that you thought were yours.

The most striking downside of the experience can be that your friends and family tell you to “STOP….”  For example, I recently overheard a conversation about a woman from Minnesota who has been living in New York for four years.  She mentioned a trip home and was struck by the fact that everything was so slow there – from the traffic to the service – that she could not WAIT to get back to New York.  In addition, she picked up some not so nice lingo from the big city, and her family repeatedly told her, “That’s not how we talk in this family.”  She found herself at odds wtih them in her needs and her speech.  This is more likely to happen if you’ve moved from a small town to a big city, or vice versa.  (You can refer to one of my earlier posts about what to expect when moving from a small town to a big city for some additional tips).

Sometimes, this causes disappointment – after all, you thought your trip home was supposed to make you feel better, not worse.  Now what?  Where can you go to feel better?  The answer may be quite simple – you actually have come to feel at home in a new place.  When this thought hits, it can be very jarring.  I remember a trip home when I was living in France.  On the flight BACK to France, I cought myself mid-thought, saying to myself, “When I get home…” and it struck me that I was referring to Paris, not New York.

The experience of what I will call “the concept of home” is a natural part of the adjustment process, and also a shift in your own personal identity, and possibly even your values.  It’s something to be aware of, because it may take you by surprise.  To this day, I actually feel more European than American because I have spent so much time in Europe and adapted many of the customs, traditions, and language I have experienced when overseas.

One potential positive impact of that trip home, though, may be that you return to the place you moved feeling more at home, and realizing that you do know your way around better than you thought, and that you feel like more possibilities open up for your life in that place.

* To learn how Expat Coaching can help you further adapt to a new culture, click here! *

Sometimes, when you move to another culture, you will experience a loss of connection to the culture, and the people around you.  This can leave you feeling isolated and lonely, especially if you haven’t been able to make new friends.

One way you can help reconnect to others is by doing something special for someone you don’t know.  The other day, I went to Coney Island, outside Manhattan.  While there, I won several stuffed animals by winning a bunch of the games there.  On the subway ride back home, a small girl of about 3, and her parents, sat behind me.  I turned around and asked her parents if she might like to have some stuffed animals.  They graciously accepted, and I handed over 2 of them.  This little girl hugged and hugged them, it really touched my heart.  It was a bit like Christmas morning, she absolutely loved the animals, and it made me feel like I had given my prized puppy to a really good home.

A couple nearby noticed what I had done, and complimented me on my actions.  I was overwhelmed with sentiment, and almost cried.  Something so simple had brought about such touching emotion, and connection, with people I didn’t know.

So, I pass this along to you – if you’re feeling lonely and isolated wherever you have relocated, try doing a random act of kindness – actually look out for anyone you might help.  You could hold a door open for someone, help someone carry a heavy bag to their car, give something away….however you envision serving others.

* For more ideas on making new friends, click here! *

I recently had an epiphany I thought I’d share in the hopes of inspiring anyone that reads this.

Have you ever had the thought or experience that you’re “waiting for the right moment” to do something?  Maybe you want to reach out to a contact, or start a new business, or want a “sign” on whether to take option 1 or option 2.  What I just realized, through a situation in my own life, is that sometimes moments may actually be waiting on you to make them right.

I found this empowering because rather than waiting for something to happen, this perception enabled me to take action right away.  I was no longer looking for something external to make me move into action. I instead realized that I have had many moments/incidents that I could have used to propel me forward, but instead, I decided they weren’t “right” and thus didn’t try anything. 

So, who’s to say whether it’s the right moment to take action?  YOU ARE!

Today is our final day in the Culture Transition Tip Tuesday series.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the tips and look forward to hearing from you! here is Tip #10. 

If you’d like to cast your vote for the next topic covered in a video series related to transitioning
cultures, just click here!

I may have a case of “Summer Fever”, but I’ve decided to make a very special, one-time offer.

I recently created a membership program to help anyone moving to New York adapt to the unique way of living we have.  I believe very strongly in the value of this program, and I’m hoping that if you see it for yourself, you will be convinced of it’s value and let your friends know about it.

So, I am making a special offer that will not be repeated – the first 25 people to sign up will get my HOW TO LIVE IN NEW YORK program FREE!  That’s a $100 value, YOURS FREE.

(Note – when you check out, you will be directed to a page that talks about a monthly fee – you can IGNORE the fee part as you’ll see that you do not need to enter any credit card information.)

If you like the program, please tell your friends about it.  If you feel that it needs enhancement, I also welcome your feedback!

Simply use coupon code NY2010 when you visit www.howtoliveinnewyork.com/charter_membership – once the 25 free copies are gone, that’s it – they will then be sold at full price, so get yours quick!

Again – if you like it, please spread the word!  After the 25 free memberships are gone, regular priced ones will be available via www.howtoliveinnewyork.com