DISCLAIMER: Let me begin this post by clarifying that this post is an attempt to question, and is not meant to offend anyone.  If it does, I apologize in advance.  I am using simply one or two personal incidents, but do not mean to imply these are the only incidents, or the only nationalities that behave this way, nor that everyone from any single culture behaves the same way.  I am a huge fan of people from all cultures, and of foreign language, and even practicing new and old ones anywhere I am!  So, this post is just an attempt to provide one viewpoint among many possible ones.

A recent event made me contemplate my experiences living and working in France where I encountered the term “The Ugly American”.  The way I learned it, it referred to what was considered an arrogant expectation that wherever in the world an American traveled, everyone should speak English, and there was no need to attempt to learn a local language.  I was so impacted by this image, and the desire to STOP perpetuating it, that it became an obsession of mine to learn foreign languages.  Though I have good working knowledge of six languages today, if I travel anywhere outside my comfort zone, I make it a point to memorize the phrase “do you speak English” in the local language, and bring a dictionary, and try to at least begin conversations in the host country language.

So, on a recent summer afternoon, when in Bryant Park, in New York City, I was quite struck by the following incident. I was waiting on a line (queue!) for the ladies room.  The line was fairly long, and the space rather small.  The bathroom attendant came around the line, yelled something in Spanish, then looked right at me and said, “Entiende?” as if I was stupid for not doing whatever it was she had just yelled.  Eventually, I, and the others in line with me, understood she was asking us to make more room for ladies exiting the bathroom.  However, the woman in front of me, who was from Atlanta, was quite perplexed – we commented that this would be quite normal if we were in any Spanish-speaking country, but as we were in New York, it surprised us that someone who was employed, therefore living in New York, would not be addressing us in English.  (Note, at Bryant Park, on any given day, the crowd is multinational, and probably no one understands the same language anyway!)

So, I wondered, have we reached a point where crossing cultures no longer means you are considered arrogant if you don’t learn and use the local language?  I know New York is a bit unique, and that our population is becoming increasingly Spanish-speaking as compared to other places, so this may be a unique issue.   I was equally surprised when I attended Jury Duty earlier this year.  Only citizens are allowed to perform this duty.  To become a citizen, you must either be born in the USA, or pass a citizenship test, after living here for a number of years. I had always presumed the citizenship test was administered in English.  So, when people selected for the same jury as me were questioned, and their eyes glazed over in confusion and they repeated, “no entiendo ingles”, I was again confused.  I can’t imagine going to another country and being granted citizenship without having at least a basic command of their language? After all, if the test were in their language, how would I otherwise pass it?

Again, this is post is not meant to insult, simply to question.   I am struck by the fact that Americans have been considered highly arrogant for crossing cultures and not making the effort to speak the local language.  So, having these experiences, I wondered if perhaps this stereotype had seen it’s final days, or whether Americans have perhaps perpetuated this image to such an extent that other cultures feel they should behave in the same fashion.  Or, perhaps so many people are now crossing cultures that domestic languages have less significance nowadays?

What are your thoughts on the subject?

For more information on learning local language and adapting to new cultures, click here.

I don’t know if anyone else out there is a fan of the series “Charmed”?  Well, I still like it, what can I say – I’m a fan of magic and possibilities!  Quick synopsis for those who have no idea what I’m talking about – 3 sister witches who battle evil to save the world, and date demons along the way.  (Don’t we all do that, LOL!?)  So on a recent episode, I thought there was an interesting correlation to Accompanying Spouses in the culture transition process.  In this episode, Cole, who is a demon one of the witches is dating, loses his powers.  He is half demon, half human, and due to an “accident”, he loses his demon powers, and becomes fully human.  As a demon, he was able to “shimmer” (call it teleport) anywhere he wanted.

As he accepts this change within himself, he goes for a walk, and on the way home, realizes he can no longer shimmer home, and walking home takes a lot longer!  He says, “I’ev always been a demon, that’s all I know.”

Now, I’m not trying to compare working to being a demon! (though I’m sure we feel like one on some occasions) but for an Accompanying Spouse who relocates to a country where they can no longer work, the transition can be quite difficult.  Especially if your job has defined who you are and you suddenly don’t have one – you will confront an identity challenge.

On this particular episode of “Charmed”, the witch dating Cole tries to have a romantic date night with him, but he is so lost in his transition that he tries to brainstorm ideas of everything they should worry about and how to tackle it, so he cannot be in the moment with his girflfriend.  In a marriage, going through this transition will also cause some challenges that each partner needs to be aware of.  It’s important to not only expect the challenges, but also to prepare some ways to handle it.  Here are a few suggestions:

1. The Accompanying Spouse, if he or she cannot work, should, as best as possible, try to commit to creative ways to create income, or, look at alternate ways to provide for the family.
2. As the ego steps in, during the process, the Expat (the partner who is working) should be prepared to talk openly, and also be aware of any changes in how you view your partner, who was once a provider, and may now be a dependent
3. Consider money issues before you move – how will you handle them
4. Make joint goals together – perhaps non-financial related – and remember to CELEBRATE when you accomplish them.  Also check in on goals you have now, and check whether any of them need to be re-prioritized or shifted, to avoid disappointment going forward.

These are just a few ideas to get you started, but as a couple, you should work together to figure out what methods you can put in place to be sure each partner feels heard, each partner remains committed to marriage goals, and there is some outlet for fun and nurturing your relationship.

* For more ideas on successfully transitioning cultures and avoiding relocation depression, click here! *

One of the natural things to do when you’ve relocated and are missing everyone back home, is to take a trip back there.  You get all excited about being able to eat at your favorite restaurants, know directions without having to ask anyone or look at a map, and of course, about seeing your best friends and your family.  Once you return home, however, the experience can be very different than you expect.  Whether you meant to or not, you have no doubt changed in subtle ways as a result of relocating to a new culture.  You may suddenly find that behaviors you once found normal or didn’t think about now bother you.  Perhaps you notice that everyone dresses funny, and you realize you used to dress that way, too, and so it hits you as very odd to be criticizing habits and trends that you thought were yours.

The most striking downside of the experience can be that your friends and family tell you to “STOP….”  For example, I recently overheard a conversation about a woman from Minnesota who has been living in New York for four years.  She mentioned a trip home and was struck by the fact that everything was so slow there – from the traffic to the service – that she could not WAIT to get back to New York.  In addition, she picked up some not so nice lingo from the big city, and her family repeatedly told her, “That’s not how we talk in this family.”  She found herself at odds wtih them in her needs and her speech.  This is more likely to happen if you’ve moved from a small town to a big city, or vice versa.  (You can refer to one of my earlier posts about what to expect when moving from a small town to a big city for some additional tips).

Sometimes, this causes disappointment – after all, you thought your trip home was supposed to make you feel better, not worse.  Now what?  Where can you go to feel better?  The answer may be quite simple – you actually have come to feel at home in a new place.  When this thought hits, it can be very jarring.  I remember a trip home when I was living in France.  On the flight BACK to France, I cought myself mid-thought, saying to myself, “When I get home…” and it struck me that I was referring to Paris, not New York.

The experience of what I will call “the concept of home” is a natural part of the adjustment process, and also a shift in your own personal identity, and possibly even your values.  It’s something to be aware of, because it may take you by surprise.  To this day, I actually feel more European than American because I have spent so much time in Europe and adapted many of the customs, traditions, and language I have experienced when overseas.

One potential positive impact of that trip home, though, may be that you return to the place you moved feeling more at home, and realizing that you do know your way around better than you thought, and that you feel like more possibilities open up for your life in that place.

* To learn how Expat Coaching can help you further adapt to a new culture, click here! *

Repatriation is a subject that is getting covered more and more, especially in the past year as the economy has forced many Expats to return home. Of course, other issues could force a return home – from divorce, to family illnesses and beyond.

The return “home” can often be harder than the original move. This is because Repatriates assume they are “returning home to the familiar” and are therefore unexpectedly surprised and dismayed to learn that they no longer feel at home in the place they may have spent most of their lives. Adapting to a new culture implies that you will shift perceptions and ideals in the process. So, what you once thought was familiar, will now feel foreign. And if you went from, say, living in the countryside, or on the beach and loved the outdoors and openness, and return to a big city full of tall buildings, the scenery itself could be an immediate source of disappointment every day.

If you are one of these people and decide that “home is no longer home” and you want to try and find another city that fits you better, here are a few tips, fresh from a coaching session I had recently, that can help you in the process:

1. As you think about places you might prefer to live, try not to focus on the cities themselves.  In other words, if you decide that based on your needs, you think Austin, Texas or Sedona, Arizona would be a better place for you to live than your hometown of Washington, DC, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Why?  Because after you visit Austin and Sedona, if you decide you don’t like either, you can jump right into depression, and feel there is noplace for you to live.
2. Instead of making a list of cities, make a list of qualities you need.  For example, open space, within 20 miles of the beach, easy access to transportation, friendly people that greet passerby, etc.  The more you can be in touch with the qualities that now make you happy, the more likely you will find what your seeking.  The other benefit of this technique is that if you visit, say Austin and Sedona, and find you don’t like them as much as you thought, you can look at your list and better understand what’s missing – this, in turn, will keep you focusing on the future, and coming up with alternate cities to consider living in.  Continuing to focus on your quality list will be very helpful in avoiding potential depression.
3. Try vision boarding – this is such a powerful tool.  Use images to help you get in touch with your needs.  You can share your vision board with your life coach, or with a good friend, and they can give you additional insights on what your images reflect.

* Interested in setting up a complimentary coaching session to work on your biggest repatriation or expatriation challenges?  Click here!  *

My younger brother just returned from a summer in France, similar to one of my experiences as a teenager. I was reminded of the importance of music as we transition cultures.

Music tends to either remind us of past experiences, or catapult us into new ones. It may help us cry when we need to, or feel renewed, excited, and like springing into action. Sometimes it’s great for inner calm. All-in-all, music can have a profound experience on our emotions. On my first trip to France, I recorded every song I heard (virtually!) off of “NRJ” – my favorite radio station in France! (And I still don’t care that friends call my taste “Euro-Trash”, I love it! ) When I listen to those songs today, I am transported back to the wonderful memories of that moment in my life.

The other thing I have noticed, when living and traveling abroad, is that music varies dramatically from country to country – at least some of it.  If you focus on things other than the American pop songs that play everywhere, you can start journeying into the culture you’re living in.  Finding local music you enjoy can help you create new memories in your new home.  You may find yourself looking forward to hearing a certain song you love – thus creating some excitement, which can be especially helpful on days you’re feeling a little down.

Music, of course, can also lead to dance – whether you watch others such as a local cultural event, or whether you go to a dance club or bar – again music can create some enjoyment and activity for you.

So, as you transition to a new culture, here are a few ideas, revolving around music, that might help you:

1. Before you move, make a special CD or mix for your MP3 player/cell phone (whatever gadget you might use!) that reminds you of fond moments you have from home.  You can play this music whenever you feel a bit homesick to help you remember that you haven’t lost your connection to home.  You can be with it in spirit and memory any time you need it.
2. After you move, find local radio stations with the rhythms/beats/sounds you most enjoy.  (I don’t want to use terms like “rock, classical, etc.” as these may not correlate to what you have access to).  If you find any music you particularly enjoy, consider getting a CD of that artist, and going to a concert, should they play in your area – use your favorite music to get you out in the world.
3. If you hear a song several times you love, and cannot figure out the artist, then hopefully you’ll hear it one day in a local bar, cafe, etc – ask the waiter/waitress if they know the name.  This is a nice way to start a conversation, as well as helping you to connect with the local music.
4. As you find more and more music you love, make sure to collect some of the songs.  Should you eventually repatriate, you’ll have a wonderful collection of songs to connect you with the place you left

* For more ideas on successfully transitioning to a new culture, click here! *

Today is our final day in the Culture Transition Tip Tuesday series.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the tips and look forward to hearing from you! here is Tip #10. 

If you’d like to cast your vote for the next topic covered in a video series related to transitioning
cultures, just click here!

My younger brother will soon be returning from his first summer in France.  I am overjoyed that he shares one of my first addictions and loves of France – “Le Monoprix”!

I’m not sure what it is that draws me, but I simply cannot stay away when I am in France.  Even worse, I want everything I see.  Kitchen gadgets that I cannot find in the USA, washcloths that are like gloves instead of flat squares, my beloved Timotei shampoo and Le Petit Marseillais body soap which remind me of happy memories in France.  Vache Qui Rit Apericubes in distinct flavors I cannot find in New York, Packages of lardons that I love to cook with and cannot find anyplace else, rows of foods that I want – not sure if it’s all the colors that appeal to me or the fact that the writing on the boxes are in French?

And who can pass up a jar of Amora – not only is that mustard some of the smoothest and subtly spiciest I know of, but you get a fun glass to use over and over after you’re done with the mustard!

So, musing over my joy that my brother is also addicted to Monoprix, I realize I’m not quite as crazy as I had thought.    Now, I do like Auchamps, and Chez LeClerc, but there is something so special about the Monoprix which offers you everything you need and didn’t know you needed in a small space.  Thinking about this addiction further, I realize that I also am quite fond of “Marks and Sparks” (food hall) and Sainsbury’s in England – perhaps it’s the plethora of Indian foods and spices, I’m not quite sure – and don’t get me started on Boots! (I know, it’s a drugstore, but that’s another one I find myself needing to visit on trips to England!)

Now that demand has brought some of my favorite foods and products from other countries to my “back yard”, I don’t have the same sense of immediate need that I once did, however, I cannot seem to escape this “need” I have to visit supermarkets, at least in Europe.  I’m not sure if it’s simply a question of being surrounded by fond memories that the products and places allow me to rekindle, or something more.  I mean, we have supermarkets in America that I certainly don’t have the same attraction to!

So, I wonder – does anyone else out there have a similar addiction – be it stores, supermarkets, or other – when you visit or live in foreign places?  Or, an addiction that you developed when living overseas, that you have to satisfy every time you visit that place after moving back home?

I recently came across the term “Farsickness” as a way to describe the travel-lust that Expats and Repats tend to experience.

It’s natural to get homesickness, especially the first time you move to a new place.  It lasts for a period of time, and then it may fade and come in spurts when you are reminded of something from home.  It does, however, in my experience, get less strong over time.

Farsickness, however, seems to long outlast homesickness.  I find not just a desire to travel, but an outrageous degree of “stir-craziness” that sets in if I don’t get out and explore a new place fairly reguarly.  Contrary to homesickness, I find that farsickness doesn’t seem to end, and it can be very strong even years after an Expat or Repat experience.

So, I wonder, for the others out there- any thoughts on this topic?

It’s Culture Transition Tip Tuesday again!

Here is Tip #10

As “Inception” is no doubt a film that people are watching all over the world, I’m curious, for those who saw it – what do you think happened at the end?

It seems to me that there are two possibilities – Leonardo’s character woke up from the job on the airplane, or he is still in limbo.

The only argument I can think of to support him being awake is that the powerful cocktail of drugs did not impact the inner eardrum, (so it was said in the film) so the “kick” awake could have happened on descent of the plane. (However, since airplanes tilt frequently in flight, I am perplexed why nobody woke up before landing.)

I believe Leonardo’s character is still in limbo at the end. Here’s why:

1. Did you notice that in the final scene of confrontation with the old Japanese man, Leo’s character is eating something? It’s the only dream scene where food is ingested – what does that mean?
2. Upon waking, he doesn’t speak to anyone.
3. The people on his team to do not speak to him in the airport. They only acknowledge him – sort of like figures in other subconscious minds we step into during the film – only the ones that have more of a leading role for that person DO speak. Odd that Ellen dePage’s character, “the architect”, who has been so talkative and pushy to get Leo to confront his subconscious demon, doesn’t even say a word of congratulations.
4. He clears customs, greets his father who takes his bags, and then we are in Leo’s home. Remember at the beginning, he told Ellen’s character that the way you know you’re in a dream is that you have no idea how you got where you are. So, how did we get to Leo’s home?
5. And wait – what’s his father doing at the airport?  Leo was in Paris with the gang, and last minute, they go fly to Los Angeles on this mission, first going, I believe, to England, and have a 10 hour flight.  Did dad go with everyone – and if so, must have been economy?  And, why would he go with them at all? And, this is the critical piece – if his father were on the plane, which is the only plausible way he could have gotten from Paris to LA at the same time, he would have met Leo in baggage claim and cleared customs together, not found him outside customs!?
6. When Leo and his dad get home, where supposedly “grandma” is watching the kids, there is no other adult there – just the two kids playing outside – do you buy that they were home alone?
7. He seems to feel safe at home, but in real life, at the start of the movie, Leo’s character was running away because he failed his mission and knew his company would look for him – so how could he feel safe anywhere?
8. “Grandma” (Leo’s mother I presume?) was very angry with Leo on the phone at the start of the movie. She even told the kids he was never coming home. This would indicate he was away from home for more than a few days or weeks. So, how come the kids, when he returns home, are not only the same age, but also wearing the same clothes, doing the same activity, as in all of his memories?
9. Remember, when Leo and Ellen’s characters are in Leo’s mind at one point in the film, he takes us to this exact spot, with the kids playing outside, and he says something like, “I keep returning to this place over and over, but no matter how much I try, I cannot change this one moment. I want to see the kid’s faces, but I get scared…” and this time they turn towards him, indicating, to me, that he is now living out his subconscious dream, as he did with his wife before that.

** What’s your opinion? Cast your vote here Update – GREAT answers to those of you who used the “OTHER” option!  I never even thought of those ideas.  Food for thought – one respondent said the whole movie was to bring Leo back from the Limbo he was in at the start, and another voter said the whole movie is a dream, EXCEPT the ending!