One of those “small” things that makes a big difference in feeling at home is being a regular.  What I mean by that is, maybe you get your newspaper in the same spot every day, or take a coffee at the same cafe – basically, by frequenting the same place as a paying customer, the store owner or an employee gets so used to seeing you that they might say hello, ask how your day was, or have a conversation with you.

I was reminded of this essential strategy recently.  At the risk of divulging how much I LOVE wine (especially red, and especially Malbec at the moment), I went to the same old liquor store I go to whenever I need something.  Over the holidays, I happened to have a coupon, saving me 20% off any 6 bottles of wine (all gone now!) and treated myself to some Bailey’s Irish Cream, and also got a gift for a few family members who love Tanquerray!  So, when I walked in recently to replace my empty bottle of my new favorite Malbec (by La Madrid, in case you wanted to know!) I sadly learned they were out.  So, one of the employees who happened to help me over the holidays, suggested another bottle.  He brought me to the cash register and, because he knows I shop there a lot, gave me a 10% discount without my asking!

Now, it’s not just the discount, that was a nice bonus, but the point is, because I’m a regular customer at this neighborhood store, one of the managers happens to greet me when I enter, offer to help me, and is exceptionally kind.  Even in a neighborhood I know well, I know how valuable  this level of contact can be to feel “known”.  Now, I’m not saying you need to get lots of alcohol (!), but I am saying, whatever you buy habitually, try to find a place you like, and, after a move, go there as much as possible as one strategy to feel a little more at home.

My mom and I recently had lunch at an Asian restaurant on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.  When I say Asian, I mean they have Chinese, Japanese, and Thai food!  (It’s delicious, too.)  The staff seemed all Asian to me, but the diners were a blend of probably many different nationalities.

After we paid our bill, we put on our winter coats.  Our table was not cleared off yet, and I was still using my chair as I slowly dressed for the cold weather.  To exit, I had to turn away from our table, walk down an aisle and then over to the doorway.  However, when I turned from my table (which still had remnants of our meal),  I found myself standing face-to-face with an elderly Chinese woman.  She wanetd my seat, and made some hand gesture AT me, which I inferred meant I was a horrible human being for not immediately getting out of her way.  The woman behind her, whom I presume was her daughter, told her mother something, and her mother then pushed by me to get to the table behind me.

The experience made me wonder about expectations we all might or should have when crossing cultures.  Here I was, eating in an Asian restaurant, in the Upper East Side of New York, in America.  I am not an expert on Chinese culture, but I do believe hierarchy is much more prominent as is the concept of respect and obedience for your elders.  I imagine, were I to dine in China, I might be expected to show honor and respect for elders in a restaurant in some specific fashion.  But, here in New York, should the same be expected of me?  Am I rude for not getting out of the way?  Does she have the right to expect me to honor her cultural values outside her country?  Now, I would say, had I been in Chinatown, which is very much like a mini China where you can easily not see a word of English for blocks on end, I might not have been so surprised.  But, on the Upper East Side?  Or, is New York such a mix of diverse cultures that we are all entitled to our expectations to the point that we will no doubt encounter cultural clashes every day?

I don’t know that there is a right or a wrong answer, but I found the concept very intriguing.  What are your thoughts?

I am very upset. You see my brother, who is 17, is applying to college.  He is brilliant – top 10% of his class, got a very high score on his SAT test, which is basically one of the essential criterion of getting into a good college, does tons of extracurricular activities, is very dedicated to his studies, doesn’t do drugs, is confident, has many friends, etc etc.  But, he applied early to his top choice school and was deferred.  He was advised that he probably has only a slim chance at an Ivy League school.

And do you know why?  It’ s because he hasn’t solved world peace, created a new form of rubber, invented some incredible product, or set up a charity.  In America, it seems, colleges expect teenagers to be super heroes.  Those that are straight A students, involved in many activities, clean, sober, and test well, are considered “average”.  I get upset at these high expectations.  I mean, I understand wanting to push an excellent student to be more excellent, but after all that work, if they can’t expect to get into a good school, it just frustrates me on their behalf.

For those readers that are from other countries outside the US – do you find your high school students under the same pressure to get into excellent universities?  I’d love to hear your points of view!

I’m very excited to introduce the new and greatly improved Expat Coach Association!  For any of you out there that are Expats, Expat Coaches, Businesses, anyone at all involved in the process of transitioning cultures for work, for love, for studies, for religion, for government….we’d very much love to have you on board!

Please click here to visit the new website where you will find an FAQ section, and a video tour on our homepage, and let us know your feedback!

A recent article in The New York times caught my attention.  It was titled, “Necessity Pushes Pakistani Women Into Jobs and Peril“.

In Pakistani culture and religion, women should not place themselves in situations where they interact with men. The problem is, families are struggling to make ends meet, and need the money these women are bringing home to survive.  So, they punish these women, yet find it acceptable to use the money they are providing for their family.  This will obviously be a huge conflict for Pakistan as they wrestle the need to have families achieve economic survival, versus staunch tradition of culture and religion.  Fundamentally, however, isn’t there something a bit hypocritical in punishing and beating the hand that feeds you, and then taking the money? 

What are your thoughts?  Click here to read the full article.

I recently read the book “The Pilgrimage” by Paulo Coelho. It’s a story of a spiritual journey one man undergoes, seemingly for his sword, and everything he learns about himself along the journey.

One paragraph in particular stood out to me with regard to the process of transitioning cultures:

“When you travel, you experience, in a very practical way, the act of rebirth.  You confront completely new situations, the day passes more slowly, and on most journeys you don’t even understand the language people speak.  So, you are like a child just out of the womb.  You begin to attach much more importance to the things around you because your survival depends upon them.  You begin to be more accessible to others because they may be able to help you in difficult situations.  And you accept any small favor from the gods with great delight, as if it were an episode you would remember for the rest of your life.”

I liked how this touched upon many of the feelings an expat may have crossing cultures.  Feeling like a child just born one can simultaneously experience great joy at discovering a new culture, and great frustration trying to learn a new language and fit in and find something familiar.  You actually notice your environment because it’s unfamiliar and you’re getting to know what parts you like and dislike, and you pay attention to how people behave, and you wonder who can help you, and even someone who just helps you with directions when you’re having a meltdown because your city map doesn’t have the tiny street you’re trying to find, and you have no idea what to do and you’re running late is like a major hero!

What are some of your memories of your early days as an expat?  Looking for an Expat Coach?  Check out The Expat Coach Directory!

While I’m on my series of “trivial” things that can cause culture shock, I realized on my recent trip to Florida that animals are yet another thing you don’t always think about as causing this common feeling.

One of the things I like best about visiting my mom in Florida is seeing all the lizards everywhere.  I try to slowly approach them and photograph them before they leap (yes, they really leap!) or run off.  Lizards, you see, are not something common to Manhattan, except, perhaps, in my local pet store.  Even then, they do not have all the varieties that exist in Florida, nor the enjoyment of open space within which to reign.

In Australia, I absolutely loved the kangaroos and went to many zoos and refuges to feed them.  Australians I met, however, considered them rats or roadkill!  But, if you are Australian and accustomed to kangaroos and koalas, and you move away from home, you will no longer find these animals anyplace but, perhaps, the zoo.

Seeing animals you have never seen around you in the wild, or the absence of such animals, can easily cause you to miss home.  This can also make you realize how different your current surroundings are from the place you’ve moved.  You might miss them, you might look forward to discovering them, but either way, this is yet another “small” example of the things you might overlook when relocating.

I recently spent some time in Florida and had to laugh at how New York has set my expectations of a manicure/pedicure experience.

In Manhattan, you can find a nail salon almost more easily than a Starbucks. Almost any place you choose is fairly decent and it’s rare to find a salon nowadays without a staff that’s also trained in massage and waxing. One of the most enjoyable parts of the experience is the hand and foot massage complete with lotion and a hot towel to seal in the moisture and wipe off excess lotion.

So, it came as a bit of a surprise in Florida that nail salons are harder to find, and they are not as meticulous. Most shocking to me is that after massaging lotion into my hands and arms I am asked to get up, walk over to the sink, and wash the lotion off! And this is despite the fact that they use a warm towel to wipe off your legs after a pedicure.

Though I realize these examples are a bit trite, those of you relocating for the first time need to be aware of how the tiniest and silliest of differences can often cause the greatest culture shock.

One of the most bizarre things about France (and wait, I LOVE France, so don’t take this the wrong way!) are the bath towels.  On my recent trip, I was both bemused and bewildered after every shower at how small the towels are – a bit larger than an American hand towel, and substantially smaller than the American bath towel.  The core difference – the French bath towel does not wrap all around your body (unless, perhaps, you are 6 years old), and generally speaking, they don’t seem to absorb a lot of water.

The only other place I encounter these towels is at my New York gym, where I end up taking 2 so I can at least feel somewhat covered on the way to and from the showers.

In either case, as I try to dry off, I always wonder why it is that there are not larger towels around, and how they continue to be used, or to exist when I just don’t understand, apart from taking up less space in a shelf, what purpose they have for the bath!

Were I in France, however, I can surmise that after a long day at work, running home and realizing I need groceries, and the only thing open is my local 24-hour market where prices are twice as much as the supermarket, and I look forward to a long, hot bath….and then step out and find myself shivering because my bath towel just about makes it over my shoulders, well, I might become a frustrated, homesick expat in that very moment with the water dripping on to my other bath towel which I am using as my bath mat….

You see, it is these very small peculiarities that can lead to the biggest bouts of culture shock and frustration.  If it happens to you, know that it is completely normal!  And, if you want to have a little less culture shock, you could always bring over your own bath towel…

What other tiny differences have caused you the most culture shock?

One of the enormous cultural differences I have observed between France and the US is how we react to political issues and challenges.

In France, when a political situation arises, say wage cuts, or increased retirement ages, the people SHOW their discontentment. They manifest all over the country, they strike, and take action in any way they can to overturn the government’s policies. It may not always work (there is a fine line between strikers and public sympathy that influences type and duration of the strike- about 5 days) but they never fail to take that action.

Conversely, in the US, when we are angered by a political decision, we bitch and complain. We read our newspapers, talk about how dreadful the situation is,…talk talk talk. There might be a central gathering/peaceful protest, in, say, Washington, DC. Some people might even write a letter or add their email address to an online petition, to voice their complaint. But, overall, we behave subservient to the government we, after all, put in place.

It’s an interesting irony. Neither one is right or wrong, but I’m of the opinion that if something really bothers you, and you really want it to change, you need to take action, not just sit around and talk about it.

What’s your opinion?